The first human clone

He's on American Idol, an E news show, hosts a radio program in southern California, co hosts rocking new years eve with Dick Clarke I'm convinced that Ryan Seacrest has cloned himself. There is no other possible way he can do all these things at once and stay that cheery and androgynous. He must have cloned himself or made enthusiastic Simon Cowell handling robots of himself. I stick with the clone theory though because Seacrest still possesses some humanity amidst his smorgasbord of hollywood jobs. He's working so hard that even Oprah and Donald Trump are telling him to take it easy. There is this joke that Chuck Norris can defeat anything and anyone but I think he would get Seacrested. The Seacrest clones are too fast and too enthusiastic.

Seacrest may be a lot older than he looks. Who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby? Seacrest. Who built stonehenge? Seacrest clones of course and they whisteled the whole time. Most important why is the economy bad? The Seacrest borgs have taken up all the jobs and they aren't sharing. They especially are taking up all the waiter, concierge, and host jobs. You can't compete with their hard work, service with a smile, and the years of Simon Cowell putdowns have made them resistant to any negative complaints or shouts.

The question is how can you stop the Seacrest army? First of all bazookas don't work. The best way is to counter the enthusiasm of a Seacrest is with mega enthusiasm. Seacrest will then attempt to supermegaoutpep you and may self destruct. Do not use any drugs when attempting to outsunshine the seacrest as he has drug sniffing dogs partnering up with Seacrests all over town that will bite. Also cause drugs are bad mmkay. Science may not be ready for human cloning but American Idol, E news daily, star 107.1, stonehenge, and waiter jobs are so be careful out there.

New weeks resolutions

People love to make new years resolutions but I don't even bother. Goals are great and all, but year long goals are too general and long term for me. In my opinion making new day resolutions or new week resolutions is a lot more effective. A new years resolution of losing 40 pounds sounds like a great goal but there is no timetable leaving not much personal responsibility. If you're a regular gym user how often have you seen the person with the new headband and sweatpants show up to steal the last treadmill in January? Instead of being angry I laugh cause I know by February he will be seen less at a gym than a rap artist performing at the country music awards.

Its not that the guys new years goal was a bad one its just that he didn't pace himself. Its like trying to sprint in a marathon. If he set a weekly goal of going to the gym three times a week he would not be stressed out trying to burn all his holiday fat. Going to the gym is a skill just like anything else. You're not going to be ripped like Arnold overnight just like someone learning to cook isn't going to be Rachel Ray by February. Set tiny daily goals reach those goals and keep improving. Do this and next year you can brag about keeping up with your new years resolutions while I sit on the couch stuffing myself with see's candies.

company halt

I just don't trust companies any more. Job security in this day and age seems rarer than a solar eclipse occurring on leap year. Budget cuts are more common than paper cuts and it seems that quality employees are being dropped like a cruel game of hot potato. Sadly with this economy in shambles many people are desperate for get not poor schemes as get rich schemes don't seem in reach. Many people are making money scamming the unemployed people out of money which is revolting and disgusting.

Right now the best option in this day and age seems to be to start a honest business from home within a particular niche market. The other option seems to be finding small opportunities on the internet to get paid doing surveys, copywriting, promoting companies that want to whore out products, and my favorite begging for donations. Honestly I don't blame anyone anymore for trying to make money legally by any means necessary. I used to laugh at an episode of the Simpsons where homer urged people to send one dollar to happy dude if they wanted to be happy. Now its a genius idea. In fact I heard of this website where this guy begged for five dollar bills and made like 20 thousand dollars. Online begger or entrepreneur genius? In this day and age who cares what the label is as long as you have money in your bank account.

Orgyvision

One thing I can't stand about television is for characters who belong to a tight knit group of friends or colleagues to all have sex with each other. This concept I call Orgyvision. Take Grey's Anatomy for example. Every character on that show has partner switched more often than Illinois Governors get sent to prison. How do these fictional surgeons have time to operate on any patients when they are always operating on each other?

Saved by the bell got it right. That show believed in monogamy. Zach and Kelly, Slater and Jesse, Screech and his hand. Nothing scandalous there, just wacky teenagers growing up normal in high school. Contrary to Saved by the Bell the show Friends was another one of the orgy bed hopping TV series. Despite Ross and Rachel being in love the six friends were extremely friendly with one another. Even Joey and Rachel hooked up at one point. I don't even want to know what Ross did with his pet monkey. Say what you want about Polygamists but at least in Polygamy people get married. Although they need to let women take multiple husbands as it would guarantee someone would take out the trash.

The message that television provides to young kids is build friendships and relationships with the opposite sex. If something goes wrong in your main relationship hook up with one of your best friends later in the week. That certainly won't lead to any dire consequences down the line.

On the TV show Lost Kate is in a love triangle with Sawyer and Jack. To boost ratings this season she needs to get with Sayid, Hurley, the Smoke Monster, and a Coconut. Can you imagine what orgyvision would have been like if it spread to cartoons such as the smurfs? Poor Smurfette and Vanity Smurf would be sore (yes he's a dude). I suppose the bright side would be no more blue balls.

Unfortunately I think orgyvision is here to stay. Ratings are king and nothing is more intriguing to humans than watching others make bed hopping an olympic sport. Jerry Springer and tabloid magazines would not have thrived if this wasn't the case. I leave this discussion with this final thought... Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

We gotta kill hitler bro

In the upcoming movie Valkyrie Tom Cruise plays a German officer in the Nazi army who hatches a plot to kill Hitler. I find it kind of amusing from the previews just how non German Cruise sounds. Why not get Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Jackman, and Kermit the frog to play the part. Then you have English German, Australian German, and Muppet Frog German. Without a trace of a German accent Cruise declares that we have got to kill Hitler. I think a guy whose character's name is Claus should at least be drinking a Beck's or listening to some David Hasselhoff techno song. Plus without subtitles or a German accent the task of killing Hitler using an American accent doesn't seem as urgent.

Claus: Bro we gotta kill Hitler. Hes such a dick.

English German: Go away I'm watching Abbot and Costello. I still have no idea who is on first.

Claus: Dude that can wait. I'll buy you a best of Abbot and Costello movie reel now lets shoot that bitch ass mustache wearer.

English German: Throw in a Chaplin movie reel.

Claus: Fine man but you got to make me my favorite German dish when we're done.

English German: Hot dogs and apple pie it is.

Twitter glossary updated

I like using twitter to keep up with my favorite blogs and let my many awesome extremely intelligent and remarkable fans know that I have a new blog post to annoy them er entertain them with. One thing that I love about twitter is its 140 character limit. This forces me to send little short blurbs that hopefully get to the point. Usually these points are whining. Twitter is great for whining. I like complaining about the 70 degree and sunny weather out here in southern california to my twitterati buddies just to confuse and anger them. Nothing better than receiving a 140 character profanity laced tirade. In twitter when you send a message its called a tweet. I'm sure they would have called it Tweeter if it wasn't for that stupid electronics store. When i send a message its called a twit. Tweets are important my twits are usually stupid and pointless like having a 162 game baseball regular season. If you're new to twitter here is some lingo used in the twitter world.

Twitthore- basically a person that sends more that 200 messages on twitter a day and updates their status every five seconds. A twit whore if you will.

taking a twit- people that take the what are you doing a little too seriously and leave the status of their current bathroom activities.

twatters- people like me who like to bitch on twitter. "my dog died today" boo hoo you twatter. Just kidding thats pretty sad.

twitty- people who can be witty and amuse via twitter. If you are fortunate enough to have some of these as friends bleed them for all the entertainment you can get.

Twitting the hay- When twitter decides to crap out and have technical problems preventing tweets from being sent.

pitch twitter- somebody who tweets for one of their friends while their friend is on vacation.

big twitties- No its not about boobs you pervs, although I wish it was. Big twitties are members of twitter that have over 3,000 followers and can influence the social media spectrum with one tweet.

too legit to twit- Bloggers who think be a magpie, the service that pays people to occasionally put ads in their tweets, is a bad idea or pretty lame.

pity twittys- messaging someone on your twitter friend list not because they have something interesting to say but because they are lonely.



Follow me on twitter at twitter.com/sogeshirts

Vampires always get the girl

With the movie twilight pulling in 70 million opening weekend its safe to say that the ladies love vampires. The vampire as a romantic character has existed throughout time and the fascination by women with vampires is to me driven by the whole neck fetish vampires have. Despite their affinity for necks the vampires goal is to not trigger one of the women's erogenous zones, but instead to bite the neck and suck up the blood.

Yet sensitive vampires sell and are all over the place. Sensitive vampires such as Edward from Twilight or Angel from Buffy the vampire slayer will choose hot passion with a mortal over their thirst for blood. Yes usually the vampires cast in movies such as Interview with the vampire and Twilight etc are considered by most women to be good looking guys, but why do vampires get more action than other monsters? Zombies are hideously ugly and I don't believe there has ever been a romantic zombie movie where the zombie gets the normal girl. Perhaps if the zombie decided to eat womens earlobes while first nibbling on their ears to warm up instead of brains he would get more play. Certainly like vampires zombies must occasionally have a sensitive young monster who cares more about the girl than the delicious ear lobe he can devour.

Another thing is why are vampires always skinny? You never see a vampire with a beer belly. They are always fit and in shape. It would be kinda funny to see an out of shape vampire try frantically to find a female to seduce/catch and fail miserably. Vlad the inhaler or something. For some reason I don't think the overweight sensitive vampire will be quite the hit with the ladies.