Need More Time!!!!

Ah... Time management. Another crapoholic term that will chime in your head every time you enter the meeting room...half an hour late. Most of the time you're too preoccupied, the word 'deadline' is no longer defined in your dictionary.

Let's cut to the chase. These are some of the significant time-wasters in your work that you can eliminate..if you have the balls.

Finding the parking spot
Your pride with your bling-bling ride is gone once you find out that looking for parking spaces are like searching for a needle in a haystack- time is not on your side. The fix requires cycles: recycle your car at the scrapyard and get a motorcycle or a bicycle or a tricycle.

Walking
Average people walks 18,000 steps per day. Can you imagine how much time is wasted during these walks? Here's how to spell the solution to this problem: R. U. N. Y. O. U. C. O. U. C. H. P. O. T. A. T. O.

Caffeine fix
Hanging out in the pantry might be as delicious as your coffee, but stop wasting time. Buy a pack of Red-Bulls and you'll save ample time. And oh, the side effects will shorten your career in the long run too- early retirement!

Proof-reading
To write a report is one thing. To READ BACK THE REPORT is another. Now every time you've finished the pointless report your boss sent you to do, use Text Aloud to let the computers read it back to you.

While you reluctantly write another overdue report you owe your boss.

Error-correcting
Submitting the report is not the end of it. There are times when you'll be sent back to do corrections, and correcting your report is like redoing the same task again- a waste of time indeed. If this happens often......find another job using a lower qualification. You'll make less mistakes.

Boss's lecture
Yes. It's one of the leading culprit behind your lack of time. Now treat your boss like this and watch him letting you go the next time you screw up.

Chat
Do you really need your co-workers? Do you really want to have a conversation with them? If you think you can't live through the day without speaking a word to your colleagues, you need to know more about web 2.0. Can solve the 'walk' problem too.

Meetings
Yes I've covered them before, but unfortunately it's only applicable to top managers. Now simply, if meetings are the thorn in your flesh, start a fight with everyone in your next meeting. Be super obnoxious. For sure you'll not be invited next time.

Reading emails
If you don't have a Blackberry, it's a mixed blessing. Even you're free during your time off the office, this means you have to entertain every single message from your desk. To reduce waste of time, forward this post to your pathetic forward-crazy friends and save tremendous time going through your emails.

Requesting help from other departments
This is a pain in the @ss. All those explaining, begging and even to a point, whoring, consumes lots of time just to get a simple thing done. To reduce the time taken, don't use the phone to communicate with them. Use email, and CC every message to their boss, their superiors, the General Managers, the CEO and subsequently the board of directors, the minority shareholders, the minority shareholders' watchdog, and the newspapers.

*****

Well...to be honest, following only the last step should be more than enough. Now you'll have more time. To read blogs!

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How To Make Consumers Spend More

The current economic crisis dealt a huge blow to consumer spending, where sizable drop in demand was recorded all around the world. When the public cuts back on spending, consultants like me will be on the wrong end of the domino game, thus taking the biggest hit.

Therefore it's only logical for me to recommend steps to encourage consumers to spend more. It's not that the lack of demand stops our clients from using our service. It's because they think it's wiser to keep using us and default on payments. Clever eh..

So let's look at how we can move the market out of this recession and make consumers spend spend spend..in light of the current economic mess.


Use extensive fear in advertising

Fear is a well-known theme for advertising. Often associated with health-related products, now its appeal is applicable across a wider group of product. You only need a simple statement like the following:

If you're not buying this product because you want to save money, your company can also stop employing you for the same reason. Think again. Save the economy. Buy more.

You can also use graphical descriptions about being jobless and starvation. Pick a third world country and start from there.


Tell them everything is for the sake of saving money

This fever should be more widespread. Tell the consumers everything they'll buy is for the sake of saving money. It should be extended to those luxury goods. Economic value will always work in this economic mess.

"Stop wasting money buying useless wealth statements (like a fake Rolex). Buy a Mercedes."

Let them pay later

With the advent of credit cards, consumers have an established reputation in "Shoot first, ask later" attitude. Translation: buy first, pay (regret) later. So revamp your financial strategies to raise more working capital: give your consumers credit facilities even for the smallest item. Works great if you tie this move with the next point.


Always bundle everything

You should always bundle your products together. Instead of selling a single unit, you should now sell in a package of say...10. And tell them "save more when you buy more". In this trying time, only the first 2 words matters to the consumers.

See my other devious retailing tactics.


Use emotional motivation

When people are upset (no one is happy during economic downturn), they'll become emotionally-charged and will find ways to cheer up. At least that explains the box office trends during both economic boom and slump. You should re-brand your product as a psychological answer to this state of depression.

"Don't worry. Eat ice-cream. Lots of them."

"Shopping is a well-known therapy."

"Money is the root of evil. Learn how to let go. Spend. All of them."

Blame them

...for blessing this ridiculous Laissez Faire system in the first place, despite them being constantly on the weaker side of the table. This is the time for those anti-free-trade zealots to go to the public with banners like:

"We're the cause of this fall. Now we have to fix it.
SPEND MORE. BUY BUY BUY."

But these zealots have to do a better job this time. Because as you can see, their protests all this while are just futile.

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Free Tool To Prevent You From Being A Fool

Apart from being an average Joe, you can also be a sorry fool. So what makes you a fool?

Apparently, a lot of things. But do you know some of them can be eliminated using your web browser?

Yes, you can. In conjunction with Black Zedd's Basic Literature's first anniversary this week, I'm throwing you a splendid gift.

Black Zedd's Toolbar

So what makes you a fool that you can avoid by using this toolbar?

1. You're Clueless About Your Work/Project/Report


Solved. Perform a quick search for your work from different knowledge portals (apart from Google) anytime you're facing those terms/jargon you're clueless about.

You can also search for downloadable documents like PDFs, MS Word and MS Powerpoint presentations using the 'Search For Your Work Literature' feature. Plagiarism ahoy!



2. You're Often Slammed For Being Outdated With The Latest News


Solved. Quickly scan the latest headlines from leading news publication around the world. Shove it into your boss's @ss- every single minute of updates.


3. Your Cubicle Is On The Poorest Spot That You Hardly Knows The Weather Outside




Solved. Now you can stay forever inside your cubicle. The tool automatically detects your location and serve you with the current and forecasted weather condition.


4. You Spent So Much Time Logging Into Different Email Accounts Only To Find Out No One Sent You Anything



Solved. Preserve your ego. Now you can bundle ALL your emails together to check for updates. Oh, you can even play a sound too if you receive a new email. May not be worthwhile to read though.


5. You're Too Paranoid To Abuse Your Workstation By Browsing The Internet



Oh come'on. No body's going to tell. And nobody's going to find out too with this quick nifty button to clear your browsing trail. Solved.

*****

Stop looking like a fool. Go ahead and download the toolbar for free. No spyware, malware or any Tupperware for that matter.

Toolbar hosted by Conduit, please view the Trusted Download Program Certificate here.

It's easily configurable (lots of other features) and shrinkable. You can uninstall it anytime. Give it a try.

On a related note, it's been a year since Black Zedd first wrote in this blog, so I would like to thank all of you for reading, bookmarking and linking the Basic Literature. Keep it real folks...




Now get back to work. Your boss is waiting for the damn report.

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Managers! Observe The Blue Eye System!

Are you a manager? Then you have to follow the norm- pick a bozo from your pool of subordinates, and treat them as your favorite. Because the corporate management arena work using the Blue Eye System, where you MUST have an incompetent blue-eyed boy or girl.


Why?

You need someone to remind you that you're still in charge
Having someone who nods to your every decision is a great way to do that. Because most of your staff is clever enough to think you're incapable of making any good decision.

You need someone to share your bullshits
Managers sometimes suffer inferiority complex, a state where they're short of distinguished accomplishments to bolster their self-esteem. So are you, so you need someone who nods in excitement to every bullshit you created (to make you feel good)- like the story back then when you were in high schools..

You need the false sense of competency
It's an open secret that you don't have to be smart or competent to be a boss. So you need something to feel like you're one of those competent stars. What is better than having such looser sticking around and praise you all the time?

You need to do less work
The blue eyed boy/girl will go to great lengths in securing this promising position (it can result to promotion, raise etc..), so they'll respond to your every request with 'Your Wish Is My Command'. They'll run all your personal errant. And even fetch you at the airport, which is handy during your midnight arrivals.

*****

Unlike me, I don't have anyone particular as my favorite subordinate. Because I'm so competent, I don't need them. But hey, if there's someone who is more capable than me, they can replace me as the new CEO.

But of course after I struck a deal with them that will leave me a couple of billion dollar richer. Does Golden Handshakes ring a bell?

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Your Friends, Your Email And The Stupidity

I'm sure you spent hours everyday going through your email. Do you know your mailbox is an excellent tool to measure the level of stupidity of your friends?


Just count how many of your friends are abusing the saying 'Sharing Is Caring' and blindly forward every possible email they receive.

Okay, then maybe you like some of those emails, like the humor and funny jokes to keep you lighten up in contrast of your doomed career. And those motivational slide shows to disorientate you from the fact that you hate your job.

But how about the stupid email about Bill Gates who's sharing his fortune? Or the absurd email about how the sun will rise continuously for 1 and half days this month? Or any of these collection of hoax emails that people like to forward endlessly?

If MOST of your inbox are filled with those kind of craps, than it's safe to conclude that your friends are a bunch of gullible idiots.

But wait..

"Birds of a Feather Flock Together"

..which means, by befriending them, you're an idiot too. Ooops.

p/s: if you're also guilty of forwarding those emails, I'm astounded by the fact that you're reading this blog.

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