The Search For Inner Peace

This is the last day of my winter break, and I'm sad about it. I really enjoyed staying home and hanging out with Dave and the boys. I could definitely get used to it, but oh well...back to reality! I think the boys are ready to get back to school, although Roman has been moping around the house all day. We all need to get back to the normal routine.

I didn't have any therapy or sessions with my nutritionist for the entire break, and I think that all in all, I did okay. I'm starting to open up more and more with Dave when I'm struggling, so that has helped. I even did well with food over the holidays, with very little restricting. I'm not happy with where my weight is, but then again, when am I ever satisfied with that? I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy, and all that I can do is take it one meal at a time and one day at a time. I'm not sure what to do about the body image issue. I would like it to be better, but I'm not sure what I need to do to make that happen, and maybe it never does. Maybe it is more about acceptance, and I just need more time to get there. I want it so much. I long for inner peace and self acceptance, and hopefully, eventually, I will find it.

The Imposter

The Imposter

Sometimes you laugh
out loud while your sleeping
giving me the cold,
eerie feeling that I
do not know you at all.
Unfamiliar, the sounds
of a stranger dreaming,
like the half closed
transparent eyes
of a child's slumber,
transforming the face
with a quivering smile,
the chuckle sounding
foreign in the darkness.
I fear the unknown
hidden secrets you keep.

Angela Minard 2009©

A Work In Progress

Yesterday, all I did was sort through my hundreds of poems, and started putting them in manuscript form. I can see now why my therapist thought this project would be so beneficial, because as much pain as some of those pieces still bring me, I can also really see my growth, and how far I have come in the past few years. I can also more clearly see the areas where I still have some digging to do. We are always a work in progress though, right?

I haven't yet written what I am now calling the "forgiveness" letter to my dad. I'm not quite certain what it is that is holding me back, and I don't mean to be cruel by putting it off, although it does feel that way. I think that somehow telling him about the rape will make it all the more real, and maybe that is what I'm afraid of. I think that is why I kept it a secret so long in the first place. I do blame him for not caring enough about me to protect me and keep me safe, and then there is always the shame that I have yet to be rid of. When does that go away, and will it ever? The rational mind unfortunately has no power over the feelings. Telling about the rape did make it all the more real, and maybe this is the last step in moving on, so why is it so damn hard? I keep telling myself that I need more time, but I'm also sure that I could put it off forever. If I don't write it soon, I will give myself an official due date, because I don't want to live my life filled with guilt and regret.

Other than that hanging over my head, this has been a very enjoyable holiday break. We have gone to a couple of movies, but mostly we have just hung out at home. I can't believe that tomorrow will be New Year's Eve. We are just going to have our own little family party and stay home and celebrate together. Dave did buy some party poppers and confetti, so we do plan on going outside and causing a ruckus. Nothing too wild and crazy;-) Well, knowing me, maybe a little crazy. There will definitely be some dancing and kissing going on! I'm wishing everyone a safe and happy New Year. Cheers!

Christmas Blessings

While I'm waiting for the boys to wake up, I thought that I would write about how grateful and blessed I feel. This year I have been on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs. I can't believe that it has been exactly a year since I left the Renfrew treatment center to get help with my eating disorder. I thought that going through treatment was hard, but it was nothing compared to this whole year that I have spent since, trying to recover. Through it all, Dave has been right there beside me. He has never given up on me, even when I pushed him away and made life very difficult. I have the most patient and wonderful husband in the whole world, and I know that without him and our beautiful boys, I would not have had the strength to continue on this journey. That is why I want to thank them for standing by my side, and sometimes holding me up when I am struggling. I'm so blessed to be spending this Christmas at home with my family and friends, and I'm more than grateful for this life, and the second chance I have been given.

Ho, Ho, Ho!

So far, I am really enjoying my winter break. Yesterday, I stayed in my pajamas all day, and it was glorious! I have really learned over the years not to stress myself out over the holidays and try to do too much. We didn't have the money to go overboard on gifts this year, and our family only buys gifts for the kids, so I really don't have that much to wrap tonight. We decided that we would go and see a movie this afternoon, so that will be fun. I just love being around my family, so that is the best part of this break. We had a dusting of snow last night, but I'm really hoping that we get more. Our yard needs a snowman! I have some really cute scarfs to accessorize him with this year.
Well, that is all for now. I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I have been blessed with such wonderful friends and family, and I love you all! Consider yourself hugged.
Much love,
Angie

Nani's Biscotti

I have been baking all afternoon, and well into the evening. I started with the sweet, and spicey aroma of gingerbread, and ended with my Italian grandmothers delicious anise flavored biscotti. I had help rolling and dipping from my youngest son, Roman. He was a very welcomed helper!




Nani's Biscotti

6 eggs
1tsp. vanilla
1C. melted shortening
1C. sugar
Mix together
Add 7 tsp. baking powder
4C. flour
2T. anise seed
Mix well
Roll into 1/2 tsp. balls
Bake at 350 for 8 minutes
and dip into powdered sugar frosting.
Enjoy!

Cold And Cozy

I'm bored today. It is too cold to step outside of this house. Luckily, I have all of my Christmas shopping done, so I didn't have to go anywhere. I did a bit of cleaning and some laundry, but other than that, all I have done is huddle over my laptop with a fleece blanket draped over my shoulders, sipping hot green tea and surfing the net. The temperature here is in the low single digits at the moment, and I want to kill my dog everytime she scratches on the backdoor to be let outside. Why didn't we go to Florida for Christmas this year? Oh yeah...we couldn't afford to. Next year, maybe we will just skip gifts, and start saving our money for airfare. I really miss my family! Tomorrow I am going to do some baking, but it won't be the same without my mom. Hopefully I can talk some of the boys into helping me. I plan on baking some gingerbread, and my Nani's biscotti recipe which is flavored with anise and is so yummy with coffee. I will post the recipe and a picture tomorrow so you can all enjoy it with me. Hope everyone has a warm and cozy evening. I plan on staying right here under my blanket!

I Am Self-Confident

Today is the first day of my winter break, and I was most certainly ready for it this year. Work has been stressful. I've realized that I really don't like change, and I have had to work at a lot of different schools in the past few weeks. It is like starting a new job all over again, and it is hard to feel comfortable at first. I guess I will have to get used to it though, as it is just part of the job. I have been spoiled the past few years because I have been with the same student, in the same school, and I am attached to both her, and the staff there, but she will most likely graduate this year, and also hasn't been attending regularly. I think that maybe she is finished with school, and is just ready to move on, although I think the socialization and time spent with her peers is still very important. Anyway...enough work talk! I'm on vacation! Woo hoo!!!

I'm going to go and get my hair cut today, and then do a little Christmas shopping. I'm hoping that the hair cut will help me feel cute:) I've been trying to work on giving myself positive messages. The one at the top of my list right now is, "I am self-confident." I think that more than anything, I would like to have that feeling of self-worth and self-confidence in my life.
I have also been working very hard on sticking to my meal plan the past two weeks. I had a bad slip over the Thanksgiving holiday, but now I'm back on track, and proud to say that I haven't restricted in two weeks. I think that this is a very significant improvement considering the letter that I had from my dad, which was upsetting. I didn't use restriction to cope with those feelings, so I feel great about that. I really haven't dealt with those feelings, and I haven't written him back yet, but I don't feel ready to do that at this point. When I told my therapist that same thing this week, she was so excited. She said, "That is a wonderful way for you to take care of yourself, and your needs." She is right. I am taking much better care of myself and all of my needs, and that includes feeding myself. I will get to writing that very painful letter to my dad when I feel that I am strong enough to emotionally handle it. In the mean time, "I am self-confident!"

P. S. Emery the rat is home with me for Christmas break, and even has a couple of presents under the tree from the students. She is greatly loved!

Letting Go Of The Past

This is the second day that I have stayed home from work because I'm sick. It's just a nasty cold with a fever and cough, but the headache is what's killing me. I just want to feel good again. This is not the best time of year to be under the weather. I have missed a lot of work this year already. I think that I may have run out of sick days, and that's not good. Oh well, that's enough complaining!

What has really been on my mind the past few days is a letter that I received from my dad on Tuesday. The last time I had spoken to my dad was over six years ago on the phone when I told him that I didn't want to have any further contact with him. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser who had disappointed and hurt me too many times in my life, and I had finally had enough. It was actually a relief not to have him in my life anymore. One of the things that he doesn't know is that I was raped when I was eleven, and in his care. My brother and I were staying the summer with him in Texas. He and my step mom lived in an apartment, and they decided to rent the apartment below them for my step sister, step brother and I to stay in because their apartment was too small for all of us. My dad and step mom weren't around much, so we were mainly supervised by my step sister, who was nineteen and liked to party and do drugs. One night they had a big party with a lot of drugs and drinking going on, and I ended up being raped by two guys who were at the party. At the time, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone. I blame my dad for not being around to take care of me. The letter he sent me is asking for forgiveness for not being a better father. He says that he has been sober and clean for the past four years, and has been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, and one of the steps in A.A. is to make ammends to the people in your life who you have hurt. I'm not sure how to respond to this letter. I can forgive him, but I still don't know if he can ever be a part of my life. My therapist thinks that he needs to know about the rape, but I'm not sure. She is probably right, but that will be a very hard letter to write. Maybe it would help me to let go of all of the pain that I've been holding on to, but it is something that I'm going to have to take my time to think about.

Tis The Season

Well, our Christmas tree is decorated, and the stockings have been hung. I should be feeling festive, but I have a sore throat, and I'm losing my voice, so that is putting a damper on my mood. My husband thinks it's good that I'm losing my voice. He's so funny!

This day went by really fast, unfortunately. I hate that the weekends just seem to fly by. I have only nine more working days left before my Christmas vacation. I'm off from Dec. 19th-Jan.7th, and I can't wait! We don't have any plans for the holiday's. We are staying in town. I wish my brother and parents were coming to visit or we could visit them, but money is just too tight for everyone this year. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time getting excited about the holidays. I'm going to miss my family, and especially my mom, because we always have so much fun baking together. Hopefully next year we can all be together.

I also started sorting through my poetry today. I'm trying to figure out what order I want the poems to be in for the manuscript. It is harder than I thought it would be, and a bit overwhelming. I have more poetry than I realized. I'm excited about it though. I think that it is really going to help me through the recovery process. I can't wait to print out a finished manuscript to give to my therapist so that she can work on the photographs. I'm really glad that she pushed me to work on this project because I had kind of let the idea go. Mostly because I'm not sure that my writing is good enough to be published, but even if I self publish it, I think it will feel good to see it in book form. It will be something tangible that came out of this recovery journey, and maybe it will give me some closure.

Well, I've rambled on enough for tonight. I think the rest of the night I'm just going to relax, knit, and watch t.v. Hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Friday's Rock My World

I love the feeling of having the whole weekend ahead of me. We bought a new Christmas tree yesterday, so I'm excited to put on some holiday tunes and decorate my house for the season. I'm sure that will help to give me some Christmas spirit. Now if we could only get some snow, I would really be happy.

In therapy news this week, I had a rough session on Wednesday, and couldn't wait to get out of there. I'm getting discouraged with my progress and feel very apathetic to change right now. My therapist called me the day after our session to see how I was doing, and I told her how frustrated I'm feeling. She suggested that I take a break from seeing her and my nutritionist over my holiday vacation, and I felt a huge sense of relief when she said that. I think that I'm burnt out, and could use a break. Hopefully that will pull me out of this rut that I'm in. She also thinks that it would be a good idea to start working on my poetry book. My therapist is an awesome photographer, and awhile back she offered to take black and white photographs to go with some of my poetry. She said that she would start working on the pictures for me if I started working on arranging my manuscript. She thinks it would help if I had something to get excited about, and I think she is right. I'm going to start sorting through all of my poetry this weekend. I think that will help me to feel like I'm making a positive step toward my recovery. Some excitement is exactly what I need!

No One Is Alone by Bernadette Peters

I know, I know...I'm on a Bernadette Peters kick! I just love this song though.

No One Is Alone

No one here to guide you,
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you . . .
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone, truly.
No one is alone.

Sometimes people leave you
Halfway through the wood.
Others may deceive you
You decide what's good.
You decide alone,
But no one is alone.

People make mistakes,
Fathers, mothers,
People make mistakes
Holding to their own,
Thinking they're alone.

Honor their mistakes
Everybody makes
one another's terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right,
Giants can be good.
You decide what's right
You decide what's good.
Just remember . . .

Someone is on your side.
Someone else is not.
While you're seeing your side
maybe you forgot:
They are not alone.
No one is alone.

Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go.
Things will come out right now
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side
No one is alone.

Music and Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

A Sweet Distraction

In the dream, they are chasing me

running in slow motion

arms and legs too heavy.

Their hot, angry breath on my neck

and no one can hear me scream.

The first thing that I do when I wake up is to tentatively run my fingers along my rib cage and down to my hips, longing to feel the comfort of my own bones beneath my hands, but they are now covered with flesh. Too much flesh, I think. I could walk on the treadmill at three a.m., and no one would know.

This is where my eating disordered mind has taken me this morning. A sweet distraction. I realize this as I head downstairs to put on my Nike's, and make a detour to my computer to write instead. I suppose that I recognize where this disease wants to take me, and that is half of the battle. The other half is actually having the willpower to win, and I wonder...do I have it in me? I miss my bones, and why? What do they represent? I used to feel such a sense of accomplishment when I could feel the sharp angles through my skin. I'm a failure. Is this all that I think that I'm good at? Starving myself ? When the pain gets too close, I find myself resorting back to the old behaviors, precisely because they work. There is no replacement behavior to put in it's place. I know that I just have to let myself feel, but, ...I'm afraid. The feelings will be too much. I will be...too much.

Bernadette Peters--Being Alive

I love the lyrics to this song because it makes me realize how blessed I am to have the love of my husband. He makes me so happy to be alive and sharing this life with him.

Being Alive

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep
And make you aware of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell
And give you support for being alive - being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive, being alive

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share a little, a lot of being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive
Being alive, being alive,
Being alive, being alive.

Music and Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim