First of all, this disclaimer. I'm approaching fried to a crackly crunch. I've been working too hard and most days, my nice is all gone when I get to the computer. If I get there at all. I have been tackling not only the new job and impending holidays, but also attempting reflection and resolution to large issues in my life. I've been losing sleep and drinking too much caffeine-laden beverage. On top of all this, I defiantly did NOT take my vitamins last night. Apparently I LOVE my overachiever status and want to continue to the point of exhaustion or meltdown. Just the kind of guy I am. Somebody hit me with a shovel, it's PMS Christmas.
Top of the gripe list, the Medium Boy. He's been testing the boundaries of his new leisure life with his father, who has been telling him all week to clean up his room. He hasn't been restricting him in any way; when his friends come, he goes, but Chuck HAS been threatening him all week with gloom and doom for Christmas if the chore remains undone. Now, apparently, it is time for the bad cop to step in at the last possible second. No stress, no pressure. Ahem. Yes, Maxwell, it is true. If you refuse as you have all week to clean up your room today, Christmas Eve, not only will your father appear in the midst of the melange of honey bun wrappers and lego pieces parts wielding a large black bag for removal of all objects found below waist level, Santa will be informed and your Christmas will be as bleak as the economic forecast. Try me little man, I know where all the receipts are, and I'm JUST mean enough. On top of everything, I love you enough to maybe teach you this lesson while tearing my own heart out knowing how disappointed you'll be.
Number two on the hit list: random drivers of Lafayette, you KNOW who you are. No. I will NOT let you in front of me. Especially if you are attempting to make a left turn across my lane AND the one next to it, only to be smacked down by an unsuspecting car traveling the other way in the lane you are attempting to enter. No. It is not going to happen. I saw a wreck happen just a few days ago right in front of me, caused by someone who was attempting just such a maneuver. The only reason I didn't get hit is because I had the foresight not to follow too closely behind the Good Samaritan who waved the turning idiot on to get whacked. I know you won't understand that in the fourteen seconds we will meet and share air space, but as you flip me off and call me names, I'll wish you a happy and healthy holiday and the lowest of insurance rates. Next time, go to the light and use the left turn arrow. That's what they're for, and they're even festive holiday colors.
Now to three -- lucky for you there is no three. Or maybe three is just a plea to the itinerant elves who find themselves unemployed in this season of seasons. I sure could use some nimble help about now, still have mucho presents to wrap and a lasagna to miraculously extract from-um, somewhere. I'll be the one in the corner of the formerly guest, now Christmas present explosion room in my house, the one with an errant tie box stubbornly taped to the inside of my elbow and the scissors buried under a mountain of other stuff. I'd like the good will and assistance, and a moment or two to spend napping.
I hope I've given you a minute not only today but through the year to relate and find the humor in my crazy life. After all, that's the point of all the whining and grumbling, to get to that place where the goofiness takes over. And can you see me denying the Medium Boy's Santa experience? I mean really. He's nine, this may be the last Santa year we get. Can I withstand the knowledge that he's in therapy as a grownup because the last year he knew there was a Santa, he didn't come through? And Lafayette drivers, curse me as you may, you'll thank me when your hood remains intact for at least a few more minutes until you find some sappier sap than me to let you crash. Never mind the tie box attached to my arm, or the hidden scissor hole gouged out of the seat of my favorite jeans. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, A joyous Festivus, a peaceful Solstice and a hopeful New Year to all. And if you see any bored-looking elves around, point their pointy little heads in my direction, will ya?