you can take the man out of Ireland...

This viral video was pointed out to me by Dave's parents, the leprechaun ex-pats, which only goes to show how slow I am on the uptake. You've probably already seen/heard this, but I get such a kick out seeing how much the Irish get such a kick out of it. Also: I love how they say BAR-ack.

small graces: day 6

1. Overnight FedEx

2. Future travel plans that get me through today

3. My washer & dryer

4. Friends re-runs

5. When I put on my plaid pj pants that are tight around the thighs I get to do my Disco Stu impression

for when he's all sweaty from running and stuff

CBC Radio 2 has come up with a new way for me to love it. Starting yesterday, the 49 Songs from North of the 49th Parallel started taking submissions. What the heck is that? It's a playlist of Canadian music being put together for U.S. president-elect Barack Obama. It's a freshly baked pie or tray of muffins to send to the new family that just moved in next door. It's a Don't Forget to Say Hello When You Run Into Your Biggest Lumber and Oil Importer At the Supermarket! If you're from Canada, you have until Jan. 9 to submit your suggestion for the playlist by emailing obamasplaylist@cbc.ca. I think mine will be "Keep on Rocking in a Free World," by Neil Young.

small graces: day 5

1. The time in the morning when I am the only one awake and I sit in front of the fire catching up on Google Reader and Twitter

2. Rain after weeks of snow

3. Board games

4. The taste of my tap water

5. Coloured tights

cheap speed

One lesson I've learned this past Christmas: do not get my mother involved in looking for a gift for someone. Which is something she'll miss, no doubt. I didn't even mean to get her involved in finding a remote controlled indoor helicopter for Dave, yet somehow, there she was, all up in it before I could rub two Valiums together. I think it started when I made the mistake of asking her where I could find one (I know, I could have ordered one online, but I didn't want it arriving and spoiling the surprise). Then came the flyers. The phone calls. The IMs and emails in which she kept referring to "the item," as if Dave has super abilities and can go-go-gadget his eyeballs and send them around corners to read my emails over my shoulder and I never even notice because he's so sneaky.

So I see one in a flyer at London Drugs, but I'd like to see it in person for quality and size before I make a decision. I check out one location, but they don't have any. So then mom dispatches stepdad and away they go, taking over the unassigned task as if the success of Christmas '08 rests solely on aquiring a toy for a grown man. Stepdad can't find the advertised helicopter either, and so goes on a mission. All the while I have no idea this is happening. I am busy looking around, comparing prices and types, looking for the perfect fit. I get an email that stepdad has - lo! - found The Item! Um, what? Yes! And now you owe him thirty something dollars! He'll be at your door Friday at 11 am with the top secret Item! Um .. wicked. Because stepdad? Brings new meaning to the term "cheap." Like, you've never, EVER, seen cheap like this before. We're talking a t-shirt collection of nothing but the free kind with various bank and coffee shop sponsor logos on them, riddled with holes. That he wears. OUT. So, this man, having been dispatched by HQ to find The Item, of course finds the cheapest one possible. Dave is very excited when he opens it on Christmas Eve. The excitement ends, however, when a half hour later the thing stops working. It spins in circles on the floor. It is thirty something dollars worth of styrofoam and crap (apologies to the Vietnamese child labourers who no doubt crafted this piece. I'm sure you did your best, I don't blame you).

So after a thankfully painless return with cash back, we found a much better helicopter that whirs around the place like a giant mosquito. Dave controls it while sporting a grin wider than a shit-eater's.

"The difference between the two helicopters," said Dave on his maiden voyage, his eyes following the flying machine like it was a glistening naked Megan Fox, "is like the difference between the Wright brothers and landing on the moon." So far I've been clipped in the ear once and chased out of the room twice. Maybe the Wright brothers are more my speed.

small graces: day 4

1. Kleenex

2. Chapstick

3. Being able to work while lying down on the couch in pjs

4. Poinsettias

5. Peanut butter on toast

small graces: day 3

1. Surf the Channel

2. Beans on toast

3. Festival of Lights

4. The Scrabble application on Facebook

5. Apple juice

small graces: day 2

1. Buckley's

2. Benadryl

3. Flannel

4. The fact that Dave hasn't started in about taking down the Christmas tree yet

5. CBC Radio 2

365 Days of Grace in Small Things

cavity searches conducted every Tuesday

Looking for a home that resembles a cozy cell? I may have found the place for you.

All the tenants I interview aren't good enough (Broadway and Commercial)

---

I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that's MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It's a great space for I'm charing very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it's ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That's why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

HERE IS THE AD I POSTED, AND THE AD THAT KEEPS GETTING REMOVED:

Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

Rent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month. You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.
• 25" Zenith color television set with basic cable service - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Provision of coin laundry services - You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign
currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant sexual behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.


Additional Rules/Conditions:

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of
your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite,
countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon
inspection, if the tenant's basement suite is not clean, the cost of
cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to
be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the
Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in
the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.
CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of
tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their
contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure
that these rules and regulations are being followed.
VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from
1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject
to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can
result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All
visitors must sign the Visitor's Log. Unauthorized visitors will be
escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.
I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her
photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D.
bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
the nominal cost of $5.00.
EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the
area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to
6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to
the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a
particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is
allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the
exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

• Location: Broadway and Commercial

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Small Graces: Day 1

Again, here I am, one day late. But I didn't learn about this one until just today. So I am good again.

Schmutzie has designed a neat way to stop and appreciate, well, the things you appreciate, with the 365 Days of Grace in Small Things Challenge. All you have to do is list five things that you're thankful for for one year, and voila! Bitterness be gone! Maybe it's not that magical, but it could help curb those grey hairs and brow lines that are beginning to plague me.

1. Tofutti cream cheese

2. Vanilla pillar candles

3. Sun in the winter

4. Gas fireplace

5. After Eights

Take the 365 Days of Grace in Small Things Challenge

an anal retentive 2009

Aaaaaahahaha. Like how I missed posting on the first day of January NaBloPoMo? Is this the precedent for 2009? Let's hope not, because I have one hella mega anal retentively mapped out list of goals for this year. They say that the problem with most people's resolutions is that they're too vague and no actual plan is made to achieve them. Since I like to take list making to the next level, here's my plan for 2009 in checklist form.

Daily Checklist

Work: Go through job boards
Complete all assignments as per planner (read: do not procrastinate)

Health: Eat 2 pieces of fruit or veg
Drink 4 bottles of water
No snacking after dinner
Go to gym every weekday
Floss (the dental kind, not bling)
Take multivitamin

Weekly Checklist

Work: Complete and send one query letter
Update portfolio
Write a blog post on business site

Creative: Spend 4 hours on creative writing
Spend 2 hours on a craft project
Spend 2 hours learning French

Health: Lose 1 pound until goal weight reached
Do an outdoor activity
Take a steam

Organization: Plan dinners for the week
Clean apartment
File paperwork

Monthly Checklist

Work: Earn "x" amount
Review outstanding invoices

Creative: Complete 2 poems or short stories
Complete 1 craft project
Submit 1 piece to a literary magazine

Finances: Make student loan payment

Monthly Total = (here is where I add up all my points give myself either a flogging or a cupcake, respectively.)

2008 in vague review

So here is where I talk about the year in review in astounding detail and all the hopes and dreams I have for 2009. Or...not. I cannot recall 2008 in any more detail than these rough memories offer:

• I entered 2008 with an apartment lease. Tres adult, non?

• The company I'd worked at for four years went bankrupt in January, and so I was left without a job to kick start the year. And no, I cannot say that I was laid off, because that would imply that I'd been given any sort of warning about my job loss, had a severance package and my accumulated vacation pay paid out. None of which actually happened.

• I pursued freelance writing with a vengeance. After moping about for a month, I decided that the silver lining to abrupt and uncompensated job loss was that I could now throw myself into what I really ought to be doing. So far, so good.

• I turned 28.

• In completely unrelated news, I discovered four grey hairs.

• I joined a gym in May and HAVE BEEN GOING EVER SINCE!

• I discovered cooking and baking. Of course, I'd partaken in such customs before, but I've actually grown to enjoy experimenting and coming up with dishes and having a repertoire of things I can make and make well.*

• Facebook added the Scrabble application.

• I made fabulous new internet friends and built a Rolodex of entertaining blogs in my Google Reader.

I hope your 2009 is full of pleasant surprises and accomplishments! And remember this tonight as you're about to show everyone how you can do the Charleston on the roof with a forty in your beer helmet: I can put my arm back, you can't. Play safe.

*While writing this, I managed to burn four pieces of toast, consecutively.

thumbnail stories

Hey everyone. Just thought I'd let you know that I've started another blog, a fiction one. Have a look:

http://thumbnailstories.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

feel my hands. no really.

As I do every year, I got spoiled this Christmas. Right now I'm sitting in front of the fire in new pjs (purple flannel with penguins) surrounded by all sorts of goodies. One conclusion I can draw from the heap of shining and scented gifts, besides the fact that I am spoiled, is that I am a sort of collector of hand lotions. It was never a conscious effort to collect them, and it's something I hadn't noticed about myself before. I am not a packrat, and I don't like to keep anything I'm not immediately using. But it got me to thinking about how most people do have collections or catalogues of something. Dave has a catalogue of sugary breakfast cereal. Me, hand lotions. My skin is naturally dry, and in these winter months it's like I'm walking around with brown paper bags attached to my wrists. So I keep a catalogue of my favourites, delegating a specific purpose to each one.

L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream. I keep this tube bedside for a luxurious moisturizing that lasts until morning.

JR Watkins Lemon Cream Shea Butter. I keep a jar in the fridge so it's nice and cold when I take it out at the end of the day and lather it on as I watch TV shows and my inflamed typing fingers get cooled and relaxed. I could sit there for hours just inhaling the stuff. Actually, that's pretty much what I do.

Herbacin Kamille Hand Cream. This one's unscented, light and absorbs quickly, so I keep it in my gym makeup bag. Often you can get a bonus little tin of it when you buy the tube, which is a perfect fit for even the smallest handbags.

Life Brand Moisturizing Hand Sanitizer. Apparently I can't find a link to this, but it's an inexpensive hand sanitizer that comes in a convenient little tube and doesn't dry out very dry skin like mine. This one's a handbag essential for those of us who take public transit.

I have yet to find a satisfactory hand cream in a dispenser to put in the bathroom for after a hand washing, as they all seem cheap and watery. Any ideas?

Also, what do you keep a catalogue of?

happy holidays

Just by default, or rather, clients are too busy/on vacation to get back to me, I've had no work to do all week. And I kinda felt all ... lost at first. But then I really got into it, and spent the week downloading music, making lists, watching The Puppies, playing Facebook Scrabble, reading blogs, watching old Christmas movies and creating giant and intricate lists of goals for 2009. It turned out to be a welcome respite, and made me realize how long it's been since I've had nothing to do but take it easy. Glorious. Today is my one last day of it though, the calm before storm, as tomorrow will be spent labouring in the kitchen, getting all the homemade Christmas gifts together. I've cleaned the bathroom and done two loads of laundry. You'd think I was leaving for vacation or something.

Anyway, I'd like to wish you a wonderful, joyful and peaceful holiday, and leave a little something for those who are spending it with in-laws.

christmas cogs

Since I started working from home a year ago, I don't get out much. I walk five minutes to and from the gym every week day, go out for dinner once or twice a week, and that's the extent of my interaction with strangers on a congenial level. This year I've decided to make my Christmas gifts, so I figured that would cut down on the shopping crusade. I thought I was safe. I was foolish.

Yesterday I decided to get all the shopping that I had to do done in one fell swoop. I had to go to some craft supply stores, kitchen stores and dollar stores, and after 24 hours of snowfall I thought it would be best if I walked rather than wait for and then slide around on an overstuffed bus full of salted snowboots and hot breath. I also skipped the gym to go shopping, so I figured if I walked, that would count for some physical activity. After four straight hours, I arrived home feeling like I'd been beaten with a hairdryer, rolled in hamburger meat, tossed to rabid dogs and then my tumbling innards and unhinged arms and legs were stuffed into a Magic Bullet and pulsed until thoroughly combined. I couldn't even bring myself to find my keys so I buzzed Dave to let me in: "Can't find...let me...rabid dogs..." Dave was standing in the hallway looking alarmed as I fell out of the elevator, arms quivering under the weight of the packages, and then swooped in and unburdened me. "Where do you want these?" "Floor...just...sandwiches..." This morning my upper body muscles feel like they're held together with string and my legs like I did three hundred squats in five minutes.

I was lucky and didn't have any unsavoury human interaction experiences, but I did notice how middle aged women love to chat while you're queued up. They must love this time of year: they get to spend money on frivolous things, wear fleece jackets with dancing reindeer on them, and they get to trap people into talking to them while waiting in endless lines. The people behind the counter are machines the way they ring your items in without looking up or blinking. I used to work in retail. I was one of those machines, and it's in the slightest twitch of an eye or an almost imperceptible pause mid-transaction that I can sense they're holding their shit together with a single frayed strand of gingerbread flavoured dental floss. I feel for those people.

So let's give it up for those poor bastards working in retail this season. Remember to be polite and say thank you. Don't ask stupid questions like if everything you see in the store is all that they have. If you go to the same coffee shop every morning, bring the staff a box of chocolates. It'll probably be the only thing they'll eat all day.

Which unrecognized part of society would you like to acknowledge at this time of year?

third day of christmas

I have the words "peace" and "joy" all over my apartment at this time of year. They are by far my favourite sentiments.

second day of Christmas

This tealight holder was a gift from my mom. I love these little dudes:


OK, maybe I DO like weird things.

Yes, Virginia, I am the worst gift wrapper in the world

Here is the birthday gift I am giving my sister:


It is a box. A BOX. Sorry, SunBun. The card is really cute.

not much of a stretch from the norm, really

Sweetnicks asks a very good question today: If you had to choose five food and/or drink items to live on forever, what would they be?

Mine are: curry penne, yam sushi rolls, bananas, Nestle's Quik and white chocolate.

How about yours?