Ready

I think I'm ready after a month or so of grieving, to write something more personal here about Adi Da's leaving the body. It's taken a while, the sadness has been unbearable at times, and I'm sure it still will be, but somehow Grace got me through the worst of it.

There are a number of Adi Da's devotees that read my blog. They will know and probably feel also what I'm going to talk about here, I'm sure. There isn't any separation between any of us at heart, and I'm sure this is affecting many of us in equal measure.

I think what I'm feeling finally, is the turning out into the world, after 15 years or so of being turned towards the Guru, my Beloved. Adi Da's passing, as predicted by Him, has meant exactly that, that after years of preparation, many lessons in self-understanding and also Self Understanding, finding a way through the illusion of 'self' with a small 's', to find what that grater 'Self' is about, what Adi Da spoke about as the Myth of Narcissus. I am finally turned away from my own reflection in the pond to a large enough degree to matter, at least, and towards what is Greater.
I feel like now I can go out and spread the compassion and love I learned from Him, or was brought forth in me by Him, and truly live the life of somebody who can do 'Compassionate Action'.

I think that will take shape with the help of my beloved friends and brothers P, and Chris T, who are Gifts in my life beyond measure. I think of all the things I'm drawn to, all the ways to make a difference here, these 2 people and what they represent, are at the top of my list, and I feel ready to participate more fully in what I came here for.

My love to each and every one of you people passing through here, whether or not we've spoken and made acquaintance yet. It's enough to know you're all here, some of you doing what I'm doing, intending what I'm intending for the world, and loving it all too. Thank you for each and every role you're playing in this Sacred Dance.

Monster's Ball

Robert and I watched Monster's Ball the other night. That's a movie I've wanted to see for a long time. Robert saw it when it first came out, and I didn't get the chance, so he's never wanted to get the dvd out, but the other night we recorded it on IFC. Wow..

There was something so powerful about the transformation that Billy Bob Thornton went through. Sort of like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol. Sometimes it takes something as intense and profound as death to wake us up to our priorities, doesn't it?
So many of my dearest friends are undergoing or have undergone the most heartbreaking ordeals this last year, and that's what we're all being called to do, to wake up and realise how important love is in our lives, and to let go of anything less than that. I really think that's the only lesson there is, in any of what we go through. It's easy to say, when we go through a crisis, "I wonder what the lesson in this is", but that's it. What else is really so important?

So, does she stay? Does it work out? I need to know.

Repo At the Oscars!

Ahahahaha.. I could be watching 2 or 3 of my friends up on stage recieving an Oscar.. Quite right too!! :-)

Congratulations Darren, Terrance and Joe!!! Thorougly deserved. It's the one movie soundtrack that has ever made it into my favourite albums top 10, and the only movie I've ever pre-ordered on Amazon prior to release.

Here's a preview, enjoy!

93 Emails

I'm feeling a bit better this morning after clearing out over 300 emails from my inbox. I was feeling so overwhelmed by them all. Now, next task, reply to some of them. I am down to 93 emails now. I thought that was a nice number to stop at. Lots of YouTube, Ning, etc, that really needs a reply soon!
I just have not been feeling up to replying lately. Sorry if you've not heard from me for a while, or if I owe you an email. I'll get there.

I still have yesterday's mail to open, and a pile contacts to add to our database, new job files to create, job list to update, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I get overwhelmed really easily sometimes. I am a terrible procrastinator.

Then there's the 'January cards' I'm meaning to send out soon. Um. Yeah. Sorry...

Candor

The Merriam Webster Word of the Day for January 6 is:

candor \KAN-der\ noun
1 : whiteness, brilliance
2 : freedom from prejudice or malice : fairness
*3 : unreserved, honest, or sincere expression : forthrightness

Did you know?
The origins of "candor" shine through in its first definition. "Candor" traces back to the Latin verb "candere" ("to shine or glow"), which in turn derives from the same ancient root that gave the Welsh language "can," meaning "white," and the Sanskrit language "candati," which translates to "it shines." Other descendants of "candere" in English include "candid," "incandescent," "candle," and the somewhat less common "candent" and "candescent" (both of which are synonyms of "incandescent" in the sense of "glowing from or as if from great heat"). There is even "excandescence," an uncommon word that refers to a feverish condition brought on by anger or passion.

Something I hope I always write with...

Alex Grey Paints Obama

What about this then? by Alex Grey, one of my favourite artists of all time.

He also painted this bottom one of Adi Da, which I really love, and have as the background on my Twitter page. Alex has been into Adi Da for a long time now. I almost met him in about 2002 or so, when he came to our Sanctuary! I was bummed to miss him by just one day. I'd so love to go to NY one day and meet him there for one of his monthly meditations!

Weekend

Friday night we went to see Valkyrie, which was actually pretty good, I thought. Once you get over seeing Eddie Izzard with no makeup on, and wearing a Nazi uniform. That was just wrong. He was good though.

Saturday we drove up to Vancouver to see P and S, and to see Robert's stepson. White Rock was still snowbound, I didn't think there would be snow up there still, as all the Seattle snow had melted by then. I wasn't prepared, but luckily I didn't really need to be. We had a great visit with P and S, she cooked us the most fantastic Thai meal ever, chick pea curry, stir fry, sweet and sour soup, apple pie and ice cream.. I ate so much.. And we did a nice gift exchange. Robert had managed to get out and do some gift shopping, he's great at that, much better than I am. P brought me back a beautiful skirt from Thailand, from his recent trip. Now all I need is for no snow, so I can wear it, it was a nice reminder that summer does eventually get here, and didn't happen in another lifetime. That's how it feels about now. I can't imagine wearing anything but 2 shirts and a thick fleece.
We'll be venturing in to some exciting projects this coming year. He's got me interested in helping him with his global indigenous digital literacy program, probably doing outreach and networking for it, with people who can help fund or help administrate such a program. We're working with a few such people already, so it's taking off. P has a very good network of support for his projects. Digital literacy is going to be the most important thing to give power and a voice back to indigenous cultures worldwide. It's an exciting direction to be going in. We saw here what happens when you put the internet to work for social activism, with Obama's election. It changes things. Imagine the people we're always fighting for, having their own power through the net, to reach out and communicate and organise, and to let their stories be heard. It's an ambitious project though, eh? We'll start small.
We'll also be working to expand the Compassionate Action Network, which came out of the Seeds of Compassion events that were begun when the Dalai Lama was here in Seattle last year.
I think that's one of the changes I can feel since Adi Da's passing, that now I'm turned out, and facing into the world. These last 14 years have been about gaining the strength, focus, knowledge and self-understanding to go out there, now I'm finally ready to "go and do", in the world. I wonder what I'll be writing here next year!

We stayed for S's awesome egg and pancake breakfast, and then took off at noon to see Robert's step son. We stayed until about 4.30, when we noticed the snow start up again. It was a hellacious drive home, 4 hours through a big snowstorm, and when we got home, poor Shara hadn't been fed, our catsitter forgot!!!
My poor Babe, I was so upset.. So we she!! That was the saddest, most pitiful meow I've ever heard. She was totally freaked out and upset. Anyway, after 3 plates of tuna and some treats, she was feeling ok again. It probably didn't do her harm to skip a few meals, she is a bit squishy in the middle. But it was a bit traumatic, 2 days with no food or company, poor kitty.

So we woke up with snow again this morning.. Bah. I'm done. It is melting already, thankfully. Here we go, into January. January has about 45 days, I think. At least it got off to a great start. I'm looking forward to what's next.

Reasons to rethink the global food industry

Below is just a snippet of some interesting notes we received recently from Adi Da, relative to the global issues of health care and diet. What is plain to me, is that we treat our own diets very personally, and never really think about the bigger implications of what it means, for ourselves, and for the environment. Switching to solar energy will not make much difference without a little serious consideration of the effects our global food production practices are having! Just because it's such a huge industry.

I don't mean to be a self-righteous vegetarian, that's absolutely not what this is about, from me or from Him. It's just about sparking that thought process in my readers.
It's about the greater issues of not just the cruelty, but the way it affects all our health, and healthcare, and prosperity, as well as the massive amounts of fuel and water, etc, that it takes to produce meat, transport it, and process junk foods. How many millions of acres of Amazon has McD's chopped down to grow cows on, when a much, much smaller acreage could be used locally, to grow sustainable crops instead. That's the issue. It's not moral, it's not vegetarian, it's common sense...
Obviously, there is a greater context to He was addressing here, there is a whole lot of notes on this, and other related issues, but I thought this snippet said the most in the shortest space.

One thing, I know a lot of people think that to go 'vegetarian' means never eating meat again. It's not an all or nothing kind of issue, you can still eat meat, just think about not eating so much of it! It's also better for your own health to let the body detox a little between meat meals.
You can do your part to lessen the impact, without giving up meat altogether. I do eat meat myslef very occasionally, I'm not being a total purist here.

Oh, and here's a little something from my own personal observation, carnivorous people usually smell really bad. I can smell most carnivores a mile off! Urk, your sweat smells like dead bodies, and you have meat-flavour halitosis, and it's pretty gross. It's really not sexy. Vegetarians smell much nicer... A cleaner, healthier body produces far less toxic odors.

Adi Da: "Universal health care has its own virtue, but it is not a solution. It doesn't deal with the issue of health for real. The problem is that disease is being created by false food, dominantly animal protein, but altogether junk food, alcohol, refined sugars, excess salt, all kinds of chemicals in food, and so on.
Also, the animal protein industry is an industry that is creating immense suffering. There are billions upon billions of animals not only slaughtered, but gravely and darkly mistreated by animal industries all over the world, every year, billions upon billions. It is a global abattoir..."

Genie in a bottle.

There's something so wonderful about spending a half hour on the phone with a friend when you're going through 'stuff', isn't there?
Thanks Keith, thanks R, my beloved sister.. Don't know what I'd do without you guys..

You know when the genie can't be put back in the bottle, and how scary that is. Just one more perspective really helps, and adds a big piece to the puzzle. I've never been a one for being comfortable corked up anyhow. I am the genie! I'm only scared of my Self, perhaps.

My New Years

Who the hell else is in work today?? Weren't most people more sensible than me, and didn't they take the day off? Hmm.. Should have had another 4 day weekend.
I'm still a little disoriented from New Years, and it doesn't feel like a Friday. :-)

Had a great New Years, we went over to see my soul-sister and her husband, met their new dog finally, and had a few (non-alcoholic) beers, and ordered pizza. There's a bar in West Seattle that doesn't do anything but serve beer and wine, and lets you order in your own food from a few of the local restaurants, so we did that. Had a fantastic meal.. Greek salad and goat cheese pizza with capers and tomato! Mmm...
She's also in a similar space to myself, quiet, a bit withdrawn, not really wanting to be all that social lately, and as we were chatting on the phone on Wednesday afternoon, we thought what the hell, let's at least be anti-social together. It was a lovely evening, and I can't think how else I would rather have spent it. It was a very healing evening, something about her presence is very healing to me always.
We had an early night, and left there about 10.15. I went straight to bed, and missed the New Year entirely, except for dimly being aware of a few fireworks going off in the neighbourhood.
Robert went over to the Adidam house, and took part in the 24 hour prayer vigil that the community always does over the New Year.

New Year's Day, we got up pretty early and left to feed a friend's cats who is away at the moment. It's always a little worrying when you can only find one of a pair, isn't it? The Big Guy was there, and ravenously ate all the food we left, before we were even out the door, and I don't think the Little Girl got any. She was nowhere to be found, morning or evening.
We headed on over to my manager's parents' house, and spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon there, buried under either a dog or a baby, or both at the same time. It was such a lovely place to spend the day, they're a really nice functional family, and they all get on, and are very sweet and funny. I get such a vicarious kick out of her family..
The baby is now a week old, and totally tiny and precious. I usually don't know what to do with babies, I'm always worried I will drop them, and they usually cry when I get them, but Louise was just really mellow, slept on me, and took an hour's nap. It was really nice. I usually don't have a maternal bone in my body. But her mother's such a special friend, and I've been so intimately involved in this pregnancy, it's been magical.
No, it's not in the least changing my own feelings about motherhood. No babies for me. Being an 'aunt' to her will be more than sufficient.

We went from there to one of Robert's best friends in Duval, for a Southern Style New Year's dinner, black eyed peas, collards, and cornbread. Very, very nice.. spicy! I haven't had one traditional 'Holiday' dinner this whole season, no roast potatoes, no turkey, none of that. Best I did was a Starbucks turkey sandwich that fell way short.. But that's ok. I did at least get a mince pie. Haven't had one of those in about 5 years now. You just can't get them in America.
I notice how tied up in traditional food my Holiday season is.. lol
There I got buried under several cats, which was nice, so it was a really snuggly day.

So Happy 2009 everybody!! Wow, wasn't 2008 a pain in the ass? I'm glad it's gone, personally.

Thin Lines

I was wide awake between about 1.30 and 4 this morning. I woke up with the cat sitting by my head, staring at me, willing me through feline mind control, to go feed her. I think I was awake because Robert and I ate at our favourite Chinese place last night, and I had most of a pot of green tea. I've been off caffeine for almost a few years now, just the occasional green tea. Somehow I was able to give up my addiction. I still drink coffee and black tea, but always decaf. So I notice now, when I do have caffeine, it really affects me. My brain was whirring round and round. Nothing constructive, I didn't find the cure for cancer or any alternative fuel sources, or anything useful like that... No, I was thinking about important stuff like old Simpsons episodes.

I'm still facing an email inbox full of people needing replies, for which I just don't have the inclination at the moment. I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm wondering when my usual chatty outgoing self will return. I'm still feeling pretty withdrawn and quiet, more than a month after Adi Da's passing. So many people are apparently over it, and talking about feeling bliss, and feeling like He hasn't gone anywhere, but I'm not, not entirely, not all the time, I just miss Him, my heart hurts, and I sort of feel bad about that in a way. Guilty, almost. Like I'm the one with the least spiritual understanding of what happened, or of death.

We watched a great movie last night, The Thin Red Line. Maybe that's what kept me awake. It's the story of the capture of an Island airbase from Japan at the end of WW2, and is a really amazing movie. Seems the whole of Hollywood is in it! Sean Penn, John Travolta, George Clooney, John Cusack, tons of people have cameo roles in it. A very disturbing vision of war and it's effects. I cried, and I don't usually cry at movies.

Something else making me sad this morning, talking on MSN with my dear buddy S. I miss him so much! He's coming over to Texas on business next week, but couldn't afford the extra £400 to fly to Seattle first, after this recent stock crash. His money situation took a nosedive. The £ is pretty weak against the dollar right now, so that's cheap for us, but still a lot in the UK. That does at least mean I'll have an easier time when I go back home. Not sure when I can make it next though.
I think I might sneak back, so only select people know I'm coming, as last time it was a bit ridiculous trying to see everybody in so short a space of time. I didn't see S last time, and he felt a bit hurt, quite rightly, as he's one of my best friends these last 16 years now. That was a bad oversight. We've been talking on and off all morning, which is why it's taken me so long to write this blog post!
How do you see some of the family though, and not see others? You can't always keep a secret like that, can you? I politely want to not go see some of my old friends or family next time, and want to include others on that list instead, new friends like Jo, Dru, etc. Still, next time I go I won't be in Venice for 5 days. That was too long to be in Venice for.

I'm going to go see my manger tomorrow morning. Can't wait to meet the new baby! That will be fun, and will cheer me up. She's been staying with her mum, and I love her family, they're totally sweet and warm and funny. That will be a great place to be tomorrow! :-)

Talking about the Muppets..

Milk

I'm having real trouble getting on to Blogger at the moment, and some of my favourite blogs, or any Google-related sites, come to that. Is it me, or is anybody else having issues with them?
So my posts have been a bit thin lately. That's partly why, I have to reload the page 20 times to get anything happening. Bah.

Today I don't have much to write about, just feeling quiet, and wishing I had the chance to get to the DuQuette household for their New Years party! I wish I lived in Southern CA sometimes.. Not least is my desire to study more with Lon. And Constance sounds like a total Nurture-Goddess of the most wonderful kind... Meeting him this summer for his Thoth tarot workshop was a definite big highlight of 2008. I just ordered another one of his books.

I didn't write about Milk. Go see the movie. We went on Sunday night. So moving.. If you don't know the story, it's about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay politician to be elected to office, in SF in the 70's. I don't want to spoil it if you don't know how it ends, but take plenty of (recycled) kleenex. Sean Penn was fantastic, as always.

We also went to see The Colour Purple at the Paramount on Friday. Robert didn't realize it was a musical when he got the tickets. I wish I'd seen the movie first. Sorry, but I didn't think it worked as a musical, despite some very talented people in the cast, it seemed too serious a set of subjects for people suddenly bursting out singing.
I'm allergic to musicals, unless they're Muppets, the Rocky Horror, Tommy, Cannibal, or Repo. Sudden singing is unnatural and highly suspect, imho.

Bees on Cocaine

Bees get a buzz from cocaine, apparently. Not sure how ethical this is, poor little bees.. But, it's mildly amusing, and the bees seem to like it. It reminds me of the spiders that got LSD.

I put my Mason Bees in the fridge yesterday. I love bees. They'll be happy sleeping there until March, and the apricot blossoms. Their house fit nicely inside a Ryvita box. I was sure to write "BEES" on it in big black sharpie.. ;-)

ShantiMayi

Wow, I just got a blog comment from ShantiMayi! That means a lot... What a great and auspicious end to the year.

ShantiMayi is a very special and rare Being, genuine Spiritual Master that I was fortunate enough to have met and spent some time with about 10 or 12 years ago. I had a dream about Her recently, where I was sitting her Her feet, and feeling again, all the love and intimacy I felt that first time, and so I got in touch with Her via email, and I am so glad I did. She is very special, and really touched me deeply, I have never forgotten the time I spent with Her. It was short, but made more of a mark on me than a lifetime with most people would.

Books I've Read in 2008

OK, 3 days of normality again, then another day off work. I could get used to that. Having 4 days off has been awesome. I've caught up on some much needed sleep, and read a lot. Almost done with Singing For A Spirit, what a lovely book, very moving. The last section is an account of life as a Sioux, the rituals, societies within the tribe, customs, values, meanings of things, stories of certain Braves and Medicine Men, and is a really lovely read. I totally recommend it. Reading about P's Sioux heritage has been really interesting.

I don't feel like I've read nearly enough books this year. I can't sit down and read a bunch of novels, unless they're historical, or real classics, and have something to teach me, so most of what I read is pretty dense and information-packed, usually. I'm serious about what I read. I'm also a pretty slow reader, I like to digest things properly. I wish I could speed-read. Here are a few from the last year or so, maybe a little more than a year, it's hard to find a cut-off point. I think I missed one or 2.
My friends keep me busy, there are books written by 5 of them on this list! (6 if you count some great correspondence with Rick Strassman!) I made it into the acknowledgments of 2 of those books, which is a great honour. Thanks David, thanks Paul.
Maybe one day I'll return the favour, there's a book in me somewhere, once I get past the ADD. For now I'll stick with the blog. ;-)

This has made a really interesting year or so, it's fascinating to read a bunch of books around the same subject, and see what happens to your head, especially when those books are about psychedelic and entheogenic drugs, and the common circumstances that induce such archetypal mystical states. The top 8 on this list are real mind-benders...
I think it's been useful to look at this list and realise where my real interests lie. Seems I'm fascinated by the shamanic and the psychedelic, in combination. I think partly because I've never done any psychedelic drugs myself, and sort of wish I had, if I'm honest... I feel like I missed out a little, that whole thing is so interesting!
I have had plenty of my own weird experiences, just with dreams, meditation, etc, but I can't help feeling like a little chemical help would be a fun thing to do some time, with the right "set and setting". I doubt I ever will though. I'm just curious about the limits of consciousness and how the mind works in connection to our perception of the 'spirit world' and healing. I'm not interested in a way just to escape reality. Movies are just as good for that. My interests are more with the traditional Sacred and ancient uses.
There is also quite a bit of stuff about Native Americans (North and South) on that list, partly inspired by P, but partly just synchronistic with the territory.

Last year was mostly biographies and autobiographies, and historical novels, as I remember. I wonder what next year's books will fill my head with?
I'm about to start Entering the Ghost River, by Deena Metzger, as recommended to us by a mutual friend of ours and Deena's. Robert just got done, and loved it and couldn't put it down. It was all I could do to stop him reading it all to me out loud. I feel like I already read most of it.
I'd love any recommendations, too.

DMT; Spirit Molecule, Rick Strassman
The Death and Ressurrection Show, Rogan Taylor
Supernatural, Graham Hancock
Breaking Open the Head, Daniel Pinchbeck
Cosmic Serpent, Jeremy Narby
One River, Wade Davis
The Cygnus Mystery, Andrew Collins
The Politics of Consciousness, Steve Kubby & Terrance McKenna
Mysterium Artorius, Paul Weston
The Conspiracy Files, David Southwell
Naked Lunch, William Burroughs
Blink, Malcolm Gladwell
Scar Tissue, Anthony Keidis
Tales of the Dervishes, Idries Shah
Great Swan, Lex Hickson
The Audacity of Hope, Barak Obama
In Cold Blood, Truman Capote
Why Do Men Have Nipples?, Mark Leyner
Hollywood Babylon, Kenneth Anger
The Owl Service, Alan Garner
Catching the Big Fish, David Lynch
Understanding Aleister Crowley's Thoth Tarot, Lon Milo DuQuette
The Magic of Aleister Crowley, Lon Milo DuQuette (By Default, the Book of the Law, which Lon has included in full in the book).
Secret Agent 666, Richard Spence
Stupid Sock Creatures, John Murphy
The Marvelous Adventures of Cabeza De Vaca, Haniel Long
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, Dee Brown
Singing For a Spirit, Vine Deloria

Singing For a Spirit

We made it safely over to our friends' place yesterday, the roads were fine, but the hill up to theirs was too much for our car, so M came down and got us, he had chains. We had a great Christmas Day, just took it easy, hung out, ate far too much, and watched dvds, provided body heat for several of their 5 cats.

I couldn't do the turkey thing. They're vegetarian also, so that worked. I even went to Wholefoods, to try to find some good organic free range turkey for today, but I got too sad to buy any, and left empty-handed. All those little bodies in the freezer, all wrapped in plastic upset me too much. I know, I'm a wuss. I love turkey, too, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy any.

My manager had her baby this morning, after 26 hours in labour, that's a long time. All's well, but she's pretty tired. I bet she is... Can't wait to go see her!!

I've got about 1/2 way through Singing For a Spirit, the story of the Sioux Deloria family of Saswe and Tipi Sapa, 2 great Medicine Men of the Yankton Sioux from South Dakota, and close relatives of our friend P. It's a very interesting story. Tipi Sapa (Black Lodge) has a statue in one of the New York Cathedrals. He was one of the first converts to Christianity and was a remarkable preacher and much loved by many people. Saswe was the guy who brought Tipi Sapa back to life when he died of a fever as a little boy, and encouraged Tipi Sapa to become a priest, despite his resistance. I mentioned him when I wrote a post on Adi Da's Mahasamadhi recently.

It's a great book, I can't put it down. P sent us a copy as a gift, and it's very engrossing, and fills in lots of extra details from the Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee stories. Get yourself a copy!

Happy...

I'm out of here at 1. Scrooge has relented and let me go home early today. Have a great Christmas/Danavira Mela/Hannukah/Solstice, or whatever you're celebrating!
Just be sure to celebrate! :-)

Was trying to think of a title without the word 'snow' in it...

... but more snow is falling this morning. We're forecast another 2 inches, but I think we've had that much already, and it's still coming down. It's a bit wet-feeling though, so perhaps it won't stay around forever.
I made it into work this morning, I was waiting about 40 minutes for a bus, and was just about to give up and take a snow day, when the damn bus came... So, I got on it, dutifully, and made it into work. I'm one of about 5 people here today.
My friend W was on the bus, he'd also been waiting all that time. I love having a friend to share the ride with sometimes. W is good company to travel with. He lives a block or so away from us, there is a small cluster of Adi Da's devotees in our neighbourhood, which is lovely. We see a lot of W.

Our friends M & M called last night, and invited us over tomorrow for dinner which was really nice, we hadn't made any plans and I was feeling a little depressed about that, I love spending Christmas Day with people, it was such a big deal in my childhood to be in room full of drunk people and dogs and noise and chaos.. It always feels so weird if I have a quiet Christmas. Trouble is, they live a way out of town, and I'm not sure we can get there, but it's the thought that counts. None of us has family in town, so we've sort of adopted each other as Holiday Family. We spent Thanksgiving with them too.
I think I'll have to visit the grocery store on the way home, just in case we can't make it over there, and get a little turkey breast and some potatoes, enough for 2, with some leftovers. I don't usually eat meat at all, but well, you have to at Christmas! I'm looking forward to it. M is a great cook, too, so I hope we can get over there ok.

I'm feeling very weirdly semi-social lately, not really wanting to be 'social' in the usual sense, but there's a definite need to be around my nearest and dearest, and just chill out. Human contact, but only the humans I most feel comfortable with, lately. The ones who 'get it', I think, and are also still grieving Adi Da's passing, or at least know me well enough to know that I am, and be sensitive to it..

I had a lovely email from my aunt this morning, I wish I could be over there tomorrow with her and my mum!! I always feel the most homesick during the Holidays. 8 years later, that doesn't change.

Snowdrops, daffodils, tulips, where are you?? I planted a bunch of bulbs this fall, can't wait until they come up. I also need to remember to put the bees in the fridge and let them hibernate in a steady 5 degrees, until they want to come out again when the blossom arrives. I hope it hasn't been too cold for them lately! I need to make them a new home for the spring, too. Drill some holes in a block of wood, and hang it up near their old home, which can then be cleaned out and prepared for next year's season.

Holiday Paralysis

I'm in Holiday Paralysis.. I panic when it comes to gifts, and what to buy people. It'd be bad enough, but I really never want to add to people's diabetic comas or waistlines, and buy them chocolate, cookies, candy, alcohol, or any of that crap. People have enough to contend with, without more chocolate. I just can't in all good conscience do that! Well, maybe the alcohol, but not for anybody in the community. I also like to support smalll businesses or sustainable practices, etc., rather than spending my dollars supporting big corporate interests.

So my options are limited somewhat.

I always set out with the best of intentions, to create a list, really think of nice unusual or unique things for people that would be fun, and healthy, and not just a generic sort of 'blah' gift, or even to make things for people myself, but always fail miserably. What usually happens is I put it off, wait too long, then freeze in panic, and end up buying crap anyway, or nothing at all, which is worse. Either way it's embarrassing. That's what I've done this year. Nothing.
I'm ashamed, and feel so bad about it, and I know the people I had intended gifts (or even cards!) for wouldn't have me feel bad for a second, but you just do, don't you...
Several of my coworkers gave me thoughtful gifts which went completely unreciprocated.

So if you're reading this, and are a family member or close friend that never got anything, I'm sorry! I tried... I just got in the Mall, saw all the confusion, and dithering, vacant-looking people, and froze, got a bit sociopathic and impatient, wanted to behead a few stupid people in my way, probably, and then ran out again in despair. I can't help it, I get totally people-phobic and crazy when I'm in Malls. I'm good in a quiet Mall, I should shop in April or August or something. I always intend to. But you know where good intentions lead.

I think this year was made worse by my getting sick for 10 days, and not having the strength to leave the house except to go to work, and also being in the grief process after Adi Da's passing at Thanksgiving hasn't helped much. I went into a bit of a state of withdrawal for a while because of that, too.

That's a lame excuse really, I've always been pretty bad at gift-buying. Birthdays are also a challenge. I think most of my friends know that by now, but it doesn't stop me feeling badly, and wanting to change that about myself, especially as Adi Da always has such emphasis on it, and on our expressing our love this time of year to friends and family.

I love you all, I really do. I'm just a bit 'challenged' in that department sometimes.

Snow Again

I am still loving the snow! I'm not sick of it yet, that's amazing. It's fun. Robert and I went out for a long walk in it last night, across shiny sidewalks and chain-rutted roads. We were the only ones out though, I was surprised. It was a perfect night for a walk, too, clear and sparkly and silent, and looking like one giant Christmas card scene. It's really only the main roads that are dirty, the side streets are all pristine white snow still.
It was nice to get back after our walk, and jump into the hot tub, out in the snow! The stars were extra bright last night, too.
I think we're set to get some more snow in the next few days.
My only worry is will our sump pump cope with all the snowmelt, or will our basement get flooded again? There's a lot of water on our roof and in our garden. I hope the melt isn't too fast when it happens.

The City of Seattle has decided not to salt the roads, which is terrible for the environment, all that salt washing into drains, etc. I'm proud of our City, that rocks. It's a little inconvenient, but personally, I'm all for it.
They haven't got any snow plows, either, it would seem. And a little grit wouldn't go amiss, but I'm there with the salt thing. We have a precious eco system here. All our drains go into lakes and streams, and we can't pollute them with salt. There is enough crap that goes into our water already, but people are getting more conscious about it. Seattle is getting to be a great city for 'greenness'.

I have to give my bus drivers a mention, too. They are managing to get those huge 2-section busses up the slippery streets. My bus this morning was skidding all over the place, going up the long hill near my office, and the driver handled it like a champion. I got into work 5 minutes early! I"m not the only one here today, either. That's good, it's been a lonely and quiet week here in work.

Still no baby... My manager emailed yesterday to say there's nothing doing yet. She's going in for induction today, possibly. She could be having a Christmas baby at this rate, she's 3 days past 'due' now. Her own birthday is the 30th.

More Snow

I made it in to work this morning... Through about a foot or more of snow. Yesterday it snowed, and snowed and snowed some more. I spent a lot of time looking out and up yesterday at it all coming down. I've never seen snow this deep in Seattle before. It's fun.
Robert and I went for several walks in it yesterday, to get groceries, and to his office. That was fun, it was a bit further and a bit deeper by then. I think there are about 6 of us here today.

We still have a house guest, Steve, who made it over from the Peninsula for the party on Saturday night. I was impressed, about a dozen people made it, it was a nice party. We'd said potluck, and everybody's dish went really well together, it worked out perfectly. It was really nice and cozy to have a houseful of friends and light a fire, and eat good food. Thankfully I was up for some food by then, and my apetite was back. Robert's lasagna was great, and it all went. No leftovers.. We celebrated Adi Da's life and teachings, watched some old video footage of Adi Da talking about the Holiday season which was a real treat. Steve very graciously brought his nice camera and the right cables over, and managed to convert that from VHS onto DVD yesterday for us. Great service... I'm so glad. So much of what we have hasn't made it onto DVD yet, sadly. We don't even have a VHS player any more, and had to borrow one for the night.

I'm feeling a lot better today than I was. I was pretty sick there for more than a week, and feeling low and depressed, and off my food entirely. I lost about 4lbs. I'm happier now we're past the Solstice! I think the Solstice is a real low point for me, I always feel better once we're past that. From here on, it's getting lighter again!! That can only be good.

And, I got a nice bonus today from work, about twice what I thought we might get if we got one. That was worth the wait for a bus this morning! I owe it all to Robert though, for the work on the house we had done recently, seismic retrofitting and a few new windows in the basement. So no wild and crazy Christmas Shopping. Just paying off debts. OK, I might have a little splurge.. I've also got to think about how to afford to get my mum over here again. She's losing her job after the New Year.

Anyway, I feel so disorganised. What with the weather, and getting sick, I haven't done any sending of cards, and next to no shopping for gifts. Nothing made it over to England. Not even my parents. I'd planned to get it all done by the end of November, too, I'd sort of seen a disrupted Holiday Season, this last Full Moon on the 12th was a bummer. And I still didn't handle things on time.

Snow and Lasagne

Doing better today.. I'm in a better mood, too. I had a rough day yesterday. I felt pretty ill again, and ate next to nothing. I've lost 4lbs this week. I ended up leaving work early yesterday, I just couldn't quite deal with it. It was nice to be home before it was dark. Today's been much better. More energy, and I've eaten some toast and a few crackers, and a cup of soup, and been fine. Thank God for cherry Pepto.

Robert's busy preparing for the party. I managed to go grocery shopping with him this morning, walking through the snow. We carried it all back in our reusable grocery bags, across ice-rink sidewalks. I only nearly fell on my ass once, I made a good recovery, I was proud of myself. Total cost of groceries, $108.23. 108 and 23 are sacred numbers in Hinduism, Buddhism, Discordianism, and in Adidam.

Robert's busy making a huge lasagne for tonight, just in case any party guests show up through the snow which is still coming down. Vegan, except a small amount of butter I started the cheese sauce off with. I was in charge of that part, and it was perfect.. I've always had a magic touch with cheese sauce. Alchemy.

I've been taking it easy today though. Apart from the shopping, I've vacuumed, and that's about it. Looks like we'll have a few staying over, if they make it tonight. Either that, or Robert and I will be eating lasagne for a week. One person is coming all the way from the Peninsula, via the ferry, so I hope he doesn't get stuck anywhere. Our Portland guests cancelled. Wusses. I guess they didn't want to drive 4 hours on a snowy I5. ;-)

We sat and thought about it the other night, we can sleep 9 in our house if we have to! I was amazed.. Not counting people on the floor. I guess we have that many couches and spare beds. 10 with the cat.

Better get upstairs and put my laundry away. That's about the only other thing I've done today.

Voodoo

I'm glad today that my fear of karma is greater than my inherent curiosity about the general effectiveness of voodoo dolls.

Just sayin'.

Kvetch

I got home ok last night, thankfully the busses were running and I didn't have to walk the 3 miles home in the dark and snow, after a long day alone at work with no break. I wasn't in the best mood last night, and was definitely feeling sorry for myself. I could have taken a break yesterday, but I just kept working, it looked better than a walk in the snow to get some lunch which I didn't feel like eating anyway. At least I have company today, 3 of my 6 coworkers on my floor made it in today.

I had another rough night last night, I ate a few spoonfuls of Robert's veggie biryani leftovers, which, yeah, you can say it, wasn't a very smart thing to do.. But we hadn't gone shopping in forever, the house was totally devoid of anything except cat food, pretty much. And I had been doing ok yesterday, so I thought I'd be fine. So, I suffered. Anyway, here I am again this morning, feeling the grind of another day at work, tired, still ill, etc.. It's been a pretty sucky week, but I've struggled through it like a trooper. Or a masochistic idiot. Oh, and some motherf*cker called our house at 6am this morning, let the phone ring just once, and caller ID said 'unavailable'. Same thing happened at 5am yesterday! Thanks, *sshole. I don't mind, but phonecalls at that time make you immediately think "Oh shit, who died??"

To add to that, a dear friend of mine's cat died yesterday, after I suggested she take her in to the vet's to see what was wrong, and they found cancer, operated, and she didn't pull through the operation. I feel bad about that, too. D is so upset!!

Anyway, the week is almost over, and so is my rant. I'm ok, despite all the million small but accumulative sucky things happening, I am still feeling optimistic, and we're still planning on the party for tomorrow night. Haven't cancelled yet, although I'm not sure some people will make it through the snow, but we should get a few. Robert said he will organise it all, and if I have to, I can lay on the couch all night. I'm planning on it.

We managed a walk in the snow last night which was fun. Slippery sidewalks and crunchy icy roads, no traffic, and kids with plastic sleds.
We also spoke to P on the phone last night, he got back from Thailand in the last few days. He's doing well, and it was good to talk to him! We're going up there the weekend after the New Year. I'm glad he made it back safely. I've been worried.
For some reason late last night, I decided to vaccuum. That helped, too. I think perhaps I'm getting better, that's usually a sign, I always get into a manic cleaning phase and want to get my nest back in order after I've been sick. It hit about 10pm last night.

And I am enjoying a nice hot cup of tea this morning, first one in nearly a week. Fuck it, if I'm sick, I don't care this morning, I just need a cuppa. Tea fixes most things.
I am having a long lie in tomorrow, with the cat, she doesn't have an option on that.

Home

Wish me luck getting home.. Not sure busses are still running, I may have to walk. No fun, after a day like this. I'm still tired, I had no lunch break, and it's 3 miles in the snow. Bah.

At least I have my rubber boots, hat and gloves, and will get some overtime.

Sucky, sucky week... At least Robert will also be home early tonight. I think we will soak outside in the hot tub, in a garden full of snow. When I'm done, I will grab the cat, a blanket and stay on the couch by a nice log fire.

I have something good to report later from this week, I'm proud of myself, but don't want to curse it by saying it out loud yet.. :-)

Snow

The view from my office window this morning...

My bus was on 'snow route', so I had 3 or 4 blocks to walk, through the neighbourhood, down over the hill, it was all lovely, and the fir trees are beautiful! I feel all 'seasonal' today.
I was about the only person in at 8am though. I think we're on about 30% staff today. At best. I'm in for a slow day.

That's ok, I had a bad day yesterday again, and I'm feeling better today. Boss is being extra nice, as I was the only one in on time, pretty much, and dragged my butt in despite sickness and snow. I love commuting by bus! It's so much easier.. 25 minutes, door to door.

I managed some food ok yesterday, an orange for dinner, and a mini-bagel for lunch with some peanut butter. I think I'll do better than that today. Still no appetite, but let's see how it goes. Doesn't help that I might not get a lunch break today, nobody's here to cover me!

I think I dreamt about Adi Da last night, but I can't remember what. I had a great meditation last night, everything fell away pretty instantly, and there was only Consciousness, for a good long while. All the sadness, tiredness, all was completely irrelevant. Meditation seems a lot easier lately. It's not just 'sitting there', as it sometimes was. My meditations had been really dry lately, not any more!

I loved a snowman because I'm AWESOME!

Pick the month you were born:
January------I kicked
February-----I loved
March--------I kissed
April--------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June---------I smelled
July---------I did the Macarena with
August-------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friend's boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that.
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because im sexy and i do what i want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange --------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can...
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!

Now type out the sentence you made, in the subject line and forward to your friends.
Oh, go on, leave me your sentence as a comment!!

Gift Idea

Here is an unusual idea for a Holiday gift for somebody you love.. Adopt a shark! You get a certificate, and a lovely fluffy cuddly Hammerhead, they're really cute.

Foot

I used to post something on here from the Weird News website once in a while, and I'm not really sure why I stopped, that was always fun.
But here's something I noticed on CNN this morning. Take a look if you dare...

Fast

I think that my body is doing it's own healing process after the weekend. I still have absolutely no appetite. I ate an apple yesterday and a few crackers, because I thought I should, and drank some water. That's about all I've had since Saturday night, and I feel good, I feel stronger, I'm recovering. Just not eating much.

I think sometimes we need to follow our body's own wisdom, and see where it goes and not force it. I probably have a lot of stress chemicals in my system lately that I don't need, and this is my way of dealing with some of that. It's always been the recommended wisdom in Adidam that we fast this time of year, just after the Holidays, in January usually. That's good, maybe I won't need to in January, I always struggle with that. I didn't manage it the last 2 years.
Anyway, let's see how today goes, maybe I'll want to eat, who knows. I'm not pushing it either way.

Silly Animal Video

Don't say I didn't warn you of impending silliness. View at your own risk.

Ughh..

I made it into work today, barely. I'm not sure I'll stay the whole day, I'm still really tired and a bit dizzy-feeling, but my cover is working on payroll this morning, and it would be hell for her to try to do my job as well. I want my paycheck. ;-)

I'm feeling a bit better, but yesterday and Sunday was rough. I think the stress of the last few weeks has knocked the stuffing out of me a bit, more than it usually would. I'm usually the last person in the office to get sick.

Anyway, I still have a fuzzy brain and no appetite whatsoever, but so far so good. I got most of the way through my book yesterday, and that's good, as I have several more lined up that I need to get read soon! I at least loved having a few days to sit on the couch and read.

Robert and I watched the new Batman movie the night before last. OK, so now I see what all the fuss was about. Awesome movie! Loved it. Far darker and more twisted than the previous movies. How Batman should be! Heath Ledger was excellent.

Secret Agent 666

I'm out sick today with stomach flu or something, maybe it was too much mushroom linguini on Saturday night. I'm feeling better today, but yesterday was rough.

It's at least given me time to dive headfirst into Richard Spence's Secret Agent 666, the story of Crowley's role in the Secret Service during WW1, the sinking of the Lucitania to draw the US into the war, and his years in the US, which is a really interesting read, though a little too full of speculation, a lot of 'maybes' and 'could haves', but it does have a lot of interesting facts in it, and debunks a few of the negative speculations about Crowley, that he was a traitor to his country and a German sympathizer. I wish there was more info on his visit to Seattle! No doubt at least some of those 'maybes' are on track. I can't put it down!

Baby

Soooo.. My manager just left, she's having acupuncture tomorrow afternoon to induce labour. I'm on her text list... I'm excited about being an 'aunt'. She's having a girl, she's known for ages, and that makes it weird in a good way, we've all already assumed a relationship with a little being whose name we've known for months and months now, but we haven't even met yet, besides a quick feel of a kick here and there, and a few hellos through mum's belly. Wow, first time I felt her kick was freaky.. I have really never been around a pregnant person this much before, not having siblings. It's pretty magical, isn't it?
This has been the fastest pregnancy ever, but I know she doesn't feel like that! I've had daily reports on cramps, pains, Dr's appointments, swollen ankles, etc.

There is a pool in the office on when she's going to have her, my bet is 14th, 2pm, 6lbs 8oz. I could win some serious cash if I'm closest. We're so crass. We bet on everything in our office.. I don't usually bet, but this is special! ;-)

More Vex

Yay!! This put a smile on my face.. Hector Vex is back to blogging again. He found a blog site that his work doesn't block, so is now busy being a slacker at work like the rest of us again.. I missed regular Hector extravaganzas.