I’m beautiful like me.

Christmas went just the way I’d always dreamed. I’ll summarize the past week briefly and let the pictures following speak for themselves.

On Christmas eve, my dear Aunt Ruby decided to visit. Blech! I called into work and was told I may lose my job because of it, so I spent the better part of the day worrying about that. Buddha had a mild fever for most of the day, as well.

I had conspired with my mom and brother to get the Christmas decorations - originally I hadn’t intended on doing any decorating or gift exchanging, but after the wonderful kindness of my friends the knitters, things changed. I got the box of decorations from my mom on Tuesday when I helped her out at the shop. I managed to get them into the house and hidden without either of the kids being any the wiser. When we returned from some errands on Wednesday with both children, our neighbor intercepted us in the hall to give me a box that had been delivered while we were away. Joy spotted it, but we swiftly carried it to our bedroom and later I managed to convince her that it was the decorations in said box.

My brother, Big Rob had nothing much to do with his evening since his girls were both spending the day with their moms, and since we had planned to go to The Healing Place on Christmas Day, I invited him to spend the night at our place. We made pizza and beer for dinner and then packed into the car to drive around looking at Christmas lights (Buddha’s favorite). When we got home, I surprised the kids with Christmas decorations and our puny-but-lovely Peanuts-style Christmas tree. Joy helped decorate it while Husband prepared sugar cookie dough. As she patiently waited for the dough to chill, she and Big Rob whipped up a double batch of Rice Krispy Treats. Then they cut out sugar cookies and decorated them.

After the girl finally made it to bed, we snuck the gifts out of the bedroom and placed them on Buddha’s table and chairs. We prepped our morning coffee and headed to bed.

In the morning, Joy was a bit confused about the gifts. "Whose are these?" she asked me. Buddha walked right past them! He discovered the (American) football first. That was followed by lots of unwrapping gifts. The boy was confused, I think. Usually, we yell at him for tearing things up but here we all are, encouraging him! They were both pleased with their new goods.

Joy’s family sent her some gifts and my in-laws sent some nice stuff to all of us.

After coffee and breakfast, we went out to the Healing Place for several hours to help out in the kitchen and in whatever way we might be needed. However, there were more helping hands than hands in need, so we didn’t stay as long as we’d planned. We were met with great welcome. Everyone was so kind and gracious. It was quite a lovely experience.

The whole work-worries thing was for naught - they had over-staffed and were dead. I actually did them a favor and saved them a few bucks by not coming in. But Friday and Saturday were insane - I made so much money! But by golly, I worked my ass off for it.

Some nice cards made it in the mail after Christmas, including some money and gift cards for Joy.

Tonight, we went to my mom’s for Christmas dinner. Big Rob brought both his girls and the four of us went. We ate so much turkey, ham, potatoes and stuffing with gravy, asparagus, corn, sweet potatoes and rolls. Afterwards, we exchanged gifts. Mom laughed so hard at the washcloths I made her and swore off ever using them. Both my nieces loved their gifts from us. Mom got Joy Guitar Hero for her DS - she was so excited! She gave my younger niece the board game Cranium and we had so much fun playing it. For us, she gave us gift cards to the Olive Garden which totally rocks ’cause it’s our absolute favorite restaurant.

Overall, it was an amazing week!

Christmas Eve

Christmas 

Late Christmas Night… the boy’s been teething and not sleeping well. So we all curled up on the couch and cuddled together. Note the sheep (from Gramma and Grampa) - the kids love ‘em. Husband thinks it’s amusing that his folks gave his son the black sheep.

Christmas Dinner @ Mom’s, playing Cranium

The Spirit of Christmas is upon me. Mostly, it’s credit to the group of wonderful women I knit with on Tuesdays. Some other nice financial things have happened as well.

One of the ladies I knit with asked that I call her about 10 days ago and asked if she could help us out with groceries through her church. I thanked her but told her I’d prefer they help someone else who really needs it. She conspired with another of the ladies I knit with and mailed us a $50 gift card for the local grocer. The truth is, I really don’t need grocery money - the government has helped us with that the past several month. However, I can buy diapers and toilet paper with this gift card, so it is incredibly helpful.

When we moved in here, we had to pay a huge deposit to turn on our electricity. It was returned to us via our credited bill. That was incredibly helpful! Work has been slightly busier and I’ve gotten better sections and tips lately, too. Further, Husband has made a little money with his slowly-building business and I’ve helped my mom out some, too and will be helping her out again this week. 

I’m still pinching every penny. Every little bit helps.

That said, I did brave shopping yesterday. We needed some buns to go with dinner and while out, I made some very small purchases for the kids. I bought the boy a small, squishy football and got the girl a shirt and some Pokémon cards.

As I’ve mentioned before, we’ve been spending some time volunteering at The Healing Place. We didn’t make it out there yesterday, though. Frankly, I’m exhausted! I’ve been working more and this week is going to be a long one: I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday at my job, helping mom out on Tuesday and maybe even Wednesday morning before my job, and spending the better part of the day at The Healing Place on Christmas Day. We are going out to mom’s on Sunday (the 28th) to do our family Christmas, complete with my brother and his two girls. Big Rob has been helping mom out on her farm a lot of Sundays and I conspired with him yesterday to get my Christmas box out after all. I will hook up with him at some point and surprise the kids with the decorations on Christmas eve.

The big surprise for them, especially Joy, is that when they get up on Christmas morning and find presents under it! I really hadn’t anticipated being able to have gifts, so this is just as fun for me, being able to surprise the both of them. I am really looking forward to it.

Lastly, if you remember the nasty girl from work I mentioned in this most depressing post, I have an interesting story about that. She coordinated a Secret Santa swap for work and asked me to participate. I declined for a number of reasons: I don’t know most of the people I work with well, I’m broke, I had a previous engagement for the Secret Santa swap with my fellow knitters. When I told her this, she told me she had a hand-knitted scarf that someone had made for her but lost it in a house fire last year just after Christmas.

So, I made her a scarf. I used some acrylic (read: cheap) red yarn and a free cable pattern, but I put love in each stitch. My family endured a house fire on December 23, 1989 wherein nearly everything I personally owned at the tender age of 12 burned up. I know what it’s like to lose sentimental items. I’m happy to report that she loves it. I gave it to her today and it was very well received.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

On Tuesday night, I was very nervous about heading to our new meeting grounds, Perkfection, for knit-night. The bunch had been going for several weeks in a row now, since Sunergos has been entirely too crowded for us to knit comfortably. I had been there before. However, the weather was icky, very cold and very wet. Furthermore, Perkfection is across the bridge in Indiana. Bridges are especially icky in very cold, very wet weather.

But it was a night we’d been planning for weeks now. We’d drawn names for a Secret Santa swap and Tuesday was the night we’d planned to do the exchanging. I bit down and drove myself there, very, very cautiously. I stopped in to visit with Anne at Grinny Possum beforehand to wish her a happy holiday and to discuss my recent knitting tragedies. Just as every other knitter I’d ever met so far, she listened with patience and an abundance of empathy, sympathy and the occasional strategically placed curse word directed at the yarn, the fates and anything that required cursing on my behalf. Anne, if you are reading, I love you!

I made it to Perkfection early, grabbed a seat and chatted up the cashier. We’d become acquainted the week before and I rather liked her right away. Still in Secret Santa mode, I purchased a caramel latte for my spoilee and impatiently waited for everyone else to arrive. The turnout was amazing! We even had a new knitter join us - a man I met several weeks earlier while helping out at Grinny Possum. It seemed like forever before everyone was there and the exchanging of gifts commenced. I did more talking and socializing than knitting, too! We each watched as everyone opened their gift, allotted for plenty of ooohing and aaahhhhing. It was the most fun discovering who had whom.

I got the most beautiful package, complete with a perfectly-tied red bow. I carefully peeled away the wrapping paper and found a nifty Christmas box inside. I love stuff to put stuff in! I removed the lid to find amazingly beautiful purple and pink self-striping sock yarn - YAY! As much as I love the yarn, I love the red bow. I tied it in my hair for the remainder of the evening.

After everyone had opened their gifts, I wanted to accompany J outside for a cigarette. I was convinced that there was a good reason to wait, totally persuaded by superior diversionary tactics. With complete complacency, I sat there and continued to gab away, oblivious to what was to unfold next.

Nellis and Samagchestlah came in from outside (I hadn’t even noticed them leave!), arms full of gifts for my family and I. I was absolutely blind-sided by them, rendered speechless by this surprise and nearly moved to tears. Elevena had donated books and toys from her own childhood, including a vintage Little People castle and all the pieces. Sonnie, Nellis and Samagchestlah had shopped for clothes and toys for the kids. Someone had donated a brand new makeup bag filled with facial scrubs and makeup from Clinique. It was a monumental moment in my life - one I will always, always remember.

And as if that weren’t enough (oh, but it was! These ladies really outdid themselves!), they next handed me a Christmas card with $100 inside.

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Reliving the moment as I write this, again I feel quite speechless.

Maybe they know, maybe they don’t, but that $100 will help make next month’s rent.

I cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am that each and every one of these women have come into my life. I feel incredibly blessed to know them. I feel incredibly blessed by their patience and generosity. I feel that words are insufficient to truly convey my innermost feelings. They encourage me when I am down, praise me for work well done, kid with me, laugh with me, cry with me, embrace me, give so much to me, share words of wisdom, extend a hand to me, relieve me from the real world for 2.5 hours every week and are my friends.

To the group formerly known as Quills Knitters, I love you. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thank you so much for the Merry Christmas to me and mine.

Thank you so much!

P.S. I promise that I will post pictures as soon as humanly possible. Husband and I had to use every trick up our sleeve to camouflage all the great stuff you gave us in with the decor in our tiny apartment. Stay tuned!

My apologies for the delayed absence. As you no doubt have read, things have been rough ’round here lately. It has made it hard for me to find inspiration to write. But things are getting better. Not necessarily financially, mind you. Work is still extremely slow and I am still having issues with colleagues and getting a decent section at work.

However, last Friday I was given a pretty good one and made the most I’ve ever made in a single shift at work. Further, our deposit on our electric bill was returned to us and it covered this months bill. Husband and I have both been actively looking for jobs and I did receive an offer for a waitressing job at another restaurant. I have mixed feelings taking the job when they are only open 2 days during Christmas week and 3 days the following week, particularly considering we are so broke. Husband applied for a job that sounds pretty promising. We should hear back by tomorrow. *Fingers crossed*

Things have been good in other areas of our lives, though. Throughout the month of December and in lieu of a more traditional American Christmas, members of my immediate and extended family are volunteering in our community at The Healing Place women’s campus. The Healing Place is a "Home Sweet Homeless Shelter" and recovery center for addicts and also serves as shelter for victims of domestic violence. It is immensely rewarding. It is also incredibly humbling and therapeutic for me.

Joy has joined the school’s Step Team. She’s been practicing and doing quite well and - most importantly - really enjoys herself. However, she has been really whiney and argumentative lately.

As for the boy, we went to the doctor for shots last week and he is almost 30lbs! He learns new words everyday, crazy fast. He is getting tall, too, measured by all the new stuff he can reach, thereby keeping us on our toes non-stop!

My kids are pretty great. Buddha adores his sissy and Joy has her moments when she will play with him for long periods of time (like last night when I took this picture of the two of them "fighting" over the spot on the rocking chair).

After a rough number of days with knitting, I’ve rediscovered it’s joy. I’ve started some projects and completed a hat (although - admittedly - I’m not terribly fond of how it turned out. The top is too nipply for my tastes! I will very likely rip that part back out and try to repair it).

I can’t imagine ever running out of things I want to make. When I told a fellow knitter that several weeks ago, she replied "That’s the best argument for reincarnation I’ve ever heard." I am now working on a cable scarf. I’m using some acrylic yarn from my early stash and finding that it really is lower quality. Besides being a pretty boring pattern (that makes a beautiful fat cable), I really hate the way the yarn squeaks between the needles.

It’s official: I’m a yarn snob.

I’ve long felt destined for unhappiness. I don’t know that happiness is something attainable. I’d made my peace long ago that it would be fleeting. Now, I feel haunted by that very same knowledge. I’m frustrated. I’m discouraged.

When I was with xSO, I felt unhappy about most things: having to do everything alone, having been accused of things I otherwise wouldn’t have dreamed of, having to walk on eggshells, always afraid, sick with co-dependency of an addicted man, and on and on…

Now, a thousand miles and three years away, I am unhappy all the same. The sources are different: financial worries.

The paranoia has set in. I wonder if I am good enough. I wonder if some masochistic monster within seeks to sabotage so that I might find my rightful place in the world through co-dependency again.

My father is an alcoholic. Most members of my immediate family have at times indulged and battled addiction. Most haven’t made it. I grew up a passive-aggressive co-dependent. At some point along the way, I grew out of it. Now, it seems to have found it’s way back into my life after so many years with an addict. I’ve become non-confrontational. Me. If ever you’ve known me, you’d know this is quite unlike me.

So I’m working this go-nowhere job waiting tables that literally frustrates me to tears. Why, just today I cried. There are these two girls with whom I work that, since they have been there for a good while longer than I, don’t believe they need to do any actual work.

Again, I was shoved into the back corner of the restaurant where no decent, well-tipping human being would actually want to sit. We were slammed. One of the girls - one I actually like - had to leave early and instead of rearranging the seating chart to the advantage of those she’d leave behind, she totally screwed us. And the one girl (of the aforementioned two that refuse to do any actual work) is perpetually, unprovokedly nasty towards me. She made a snide comment toward me today that, had it been the me of 5-8 years ago, would’ve earned her a broken nose.

About a month ago, our restaurant brought in a new general manager. He observed us in action for about two weeks and then called a store-wide mandatory meeting on an early Sunday morning two weeks ago. He tells us we need to do a better job of covering our ink and piercings are no longer tolerated. He tells us we all need to purchase solid black shoes, they are to have no other color markings of any kind. After the meeting, I approached him. I made $60 working 20 hours that week, I’ve got rent to pay - there is no money for investing in shoes! He told me, quite flatly “You’ve got two weeks.”

Those two weeks are now up. This weeks earnings? $105. Let’s not leave out that I had to borrow $200 from my mom to cover the rent five days ago. I appreciate what he’s trying to do, but there is no money for new shoes, dammit.

Back to today. We are completely, chaotically in the weeds for hours. I kept getting double- and triple-seated; it was impossible to provide good service to any of these people. The kitchen was insane: we’re talking 30 minute check times for a half a sandwich and a bowl of soup. And my tips reflected it. I made $36 in 5 hours. One table I waited on racked up a $50 check and left me with a measly dollar. When it was all said and done, the restaurant looked as though a tornado hit.

I wanted so badly to cash out, hand over the money to the boss and walkout, cursing him and the rest of the staff all the way out the door in front of all the guests. Instead, I tuck my chin and keep working. I cleaned the tables in my section properly, I did my assigned side work and rolled the lion’s share of the silverware. And when I did finally cash out, I said nothing to the boss regarding the lopsided politics of the restaurant. I went out to my car and cried a good, hard cry.

I feel trapped, cornered.

I went through complete hell to get the Associate’s degree. Constantly fighting with the ex about just what exactly I was doing mingly with the natives on campus, staying up late to finish homework, juggling a part-time job at the campus bookstore and another part-time job waiting tables (at a GREAT restaurant where I earned better than twice what I earn now!), all while raising a little girl and playing babysitter to an addict with no sense of the real world past the buzz or the buzz he didn’t have.

I’m angry about it. All that work to push a broom and make peanuts. I apply to jobs I dare dream I might like and if I am so lucky to make it into the interview, they see my tattoos and/or piercings and decide they can take on someone else with the same credentials, the same qualifications and no ink, no piercings. And where is he (the ex, that is) in all of this? Not paying child support, that’s for sure.

Worst of all, I’m really disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror. I’m ashamed that I can’t get a decent job, guilt-ridden that it’s no one’s fault but my own. I am angry that I’m overlooked and under-appreciated at work. I’m angry that the economy is in the toilet and despite being qualified, I’m passed over for various jobs I know I would be great at. I’m pissed that I’m even considering applying at the three nearest fast food restaurants. Worse still, I strongly fear that I won’t be able to get work there, either.

When did I become this person that needed other people to validate her?