Ann and Bryan...Thanks!

  I was minding my own damn business a couple of days ago.  I was staying out of everyone's way and watching people trip all over themselves while they were running around like a bunch of headless chickens.  The noise was almost unbearable and people were constantly talking like everything was a big fucking secret...maybe it was.  The line was long, but I finally made it to the checkout.  Thank God!  So the assistant librarian checked my three books out, and I managed to get the hell away from there in one piece.

  When I got home I fired up the old Dell and began my usual journey through the realms of deep, dark, dank and dangerous sites and sounds of the interwebs.  As I was checking out my favorite blog, I began reading the comments on one of my post.  When I got to one comment it was from Ann @ Ann's Rants- She said that she had a little badge for me at her joint.  So, I rush over there and was met at the door with this beautiful "sign."  I do deserve it, but in order to be humble, I'll say, "Oh my God!  I can't believe you did this!  Oh Ann, Ann, Ann...thank you!"  Y'all really do need to visit Ann.  And Ann, I really do thank you for thinking of me--seriously!

  Oh hell, but wait my friends...'tis but a fucking drop in the pale!  Tonight I'm scouting around some sites through one of the directories that I'm pretty keen on.  So I happened by this one blog (can you say steak and cheese?) that I hooked up with about 2 weeks ago.  Lo and behold, "The Sign" awaiteth my arrival bearing my name and the rules that I never obey, but I sure as hell do take the award and run!  A sincere and hearty thank you to Bryan @ Philly Today.  So now I can add another award to my collection which I will proudly do.  Thanks to Ann and Bryan both for the recognition...-Don.

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I Would Recognize That Curve Anywhere

  It would seem that the paperboy my parents had when I was a kid has come back as a 60 year old menace to the newpaper reading society in my neck of the woods.  This moron cannot manage to throw a little newspaper onto my twenty foot wide drive from six feet away!  He's managed to hit the shrubs that line part of the yard, and he's managed to zing it in the yard twenty feet off of the drive.  I'm bitching because one, he's apparently too lazy to make a decent attempt to hit the drive and two, the newspaper gets soaked far worse in a rain while sitting in the yard or under some bushes even in the plastic wrapper it comes in.

  Our old paperboy, the one we had when I was growing up, was a big kid.  He was probably twelve years old and had a neat Schwinn bicycle that I wanted.  That son of a bitch could throw a newspaper clear over our two story house and into the back yard, and that asshole did--a lot!  He also would throw the paper at a faster than normal velocity.  He'd broken several windows in the 'hood trying to hit a porch or door instead of the drive.  He was basically a fucking fruitcake with a shitty attitude.  Goofy!  I remember that about him...

  The one we have now has got to be the same guy...must be.  He'll hum that damn paper into a puddle of water forty feet from the street or onto the garage roof from thirty feet away, but he just won't chunk it in the fucking driveway!  I don't get... He has that great arm though.  I'd recognize that damn throwing arm anywhere.  One of these days I'm going to see that clown make his "pass" by my crib and stop him.  I'll ask him if his name is Johnny "Boy" Baker, and if he says that it is, I've got his number!  Surprise, surprise.

  Geez, some things just never, ever change.  I never thought that my parent's old paper boy could come back to haunt and taunt me with his deadly aim and propensity to piss me off with his lack of newspaper delivery skills.  Of course, I'm sure it's not the same guy, but it is a great reminder of Johnny Boy and the time he actually stood next to his bicycle and hummed his newspaper straight down into the chimney on my next door neighbor's house.  Amazing!  It's time to dry out the fucking paper...Don. 

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Welcome To Wal*Mart. Now Bend Over

  Today is the day that I hate more than any other.  Today is the day of my annual physical and checkup.  This is one thing that Wal*Mart could do for me that I think I could really go for.  In and out prostate exams...quickies.  I hate going to the clinic where my doc is.  There's over 220 doctors there and God only knows how many sick people to see them.  The wait even with an appointment sucks!  You know how it pans out.  Wait thirty minutes.  See the doc for two minutes and charge it off to your insurance.  At least at Wal*Mart I could stare at the cucumbers while getting the prostate exam and know it could be much worse!

  I almost feel like not going, but I've already confirmed the appointment so I'm pretty much stuck with it.  Besides, I was originally scheduled to do this last September so I think it's time.  Every time that I go see him his nurse always ask to see the meds I'm on...I'm not on any fucking meds dammit!  Look at my records for Christ's sake!  Then the doc strolls in with a fucking merry, "Good morning" that was obviously strained.  Only I look less friggin' happy to be there than he does. 

  Then the routine crap happens.  Doc ask, "You been having any problems?"  To which I always reply, "Who the fuck hasn't?  Have you been following the news lately?"  Seriously, I don't want to find that I've got some rare, incurable disease associated with a monkey or something, but I sure as hell do get bored with it all.  I'll bet that if Wal*Mart offered a physical I would be a lot more entertained there than at my doctor's clinic.  I would not mind a Chinese doctor...

  Imagine giving a gift card for a mammogram or prostate gland exam.  Damn, I would go for that.  I see nothing wrong with it at all.  I have to fight traffic and an overcrowded parking lot at the clinic just like at Wal*Mart.  So what's the problem?  Maybe I could even get my hair cut and eyes examined while waiting to get drilled.  Shit...guess I'll head on over in a few hours and see how doc's Christmas went.  Maybe if I can distract him long enough, he'll forget all about my prostate and leave it alone until next time.

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Oh Look...Extra Toppings!

  When you order that blazing hot pizza that you so look forward to chomping down on in thirty minutes or less, you never know what you're going to get.  That applies to the pizza sometimes, but I'm talking about the person that brings that hot pie to your door.

  It's the delivery guy!  Hell, I'm not too damn excited at the idea of some of these people that make it to my door handling my food.  Have they been checked out by the health department?  Do they have anger issues and spit on your damn pizza?

  I heard that a girl was actually fired from a joint for smearing feces on a pizza that was to be delivered to a sorority house that was a rival of her's.  Now I have a problem with that shit!  Not the sorority house.  I like those, but shit and sausage don't mix well nor work my appetite into a fucking frenzy.

  I know that most of these people wouldn't do such crap...I'm almost convinced.  Yet they make no money to speak of.  They have gas expenses to cover, and too often they're to deliver a crappy pizza to a really dangerous part of town.  Hell, no thank you.  I would have some serious anger issues too, and more than likely I would take it out on your fucking pizza.  Move over anchovies here comes the pubic hairs!

  I hope that the next time some stranger brings food to your front door that you enjoy the hell out of it...don't think that perhaps this person could be deranged or have a thing about hot food triggering a masturbation fit.  You wonder why sometimes they're late?  Hmmm, maybe they pulled over for a few moments.  You know...to pick their nose or something!  Happy eating friends-Don.

 

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The Sunday Suck-Up Times

  My choice for this week's shoutout via The Sunday Suck-Up Times requires no introduction to many.  However, in order to fill space and make this entire post worth reading, I'll honor her with one anyway.

  I first discovered this lady and her attitude through Humorbloggers.com.  Now since I'm not the type to rush to a blog to read it in hopes that it's about plants, animals or how a mom fixes a leaking toilet, I was hesitant to even visit at first.

  Actually, it was the name of her site that drove me to check it out.  I had never heard the word "snarky" before so I went to the Urban Dictionary to check it out.  Well hell...I thought "cool." So I'm on my way over.

  The next thing I know is that I'm a regular at Cup of Snarky and AngieSS--the authoress.  Angie also does site designs, layout, tweaking overall appearances to enhance your blogger blog, etc.  She did a color and layout tweaking of mine recently plus a few more neat things such as adding a 3 column footer that is great!

  So to AngieSS, Cup of Snarky and AngieSS Designs I say thanks and good luck.  Y'all check out the snark either via the links or trip on over to Humorbloggers.com! Pronto!-Don.

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Never Rub Wintergreen Oil On A Buddy's Testicles!

  There are just some things that I will never do again-not now or in the future.  I have done some of these things in the past.  Some of them I have never done, and I will never do no matter the consequences!  Like these...

  For instance, a colonoscopy is never going to happen.  I know there's nothing to them and they're painless.  That's not the issue.  I don't know of any hot docs that do that.  It's all male docs and that's when my homophobia kicks in.  Besides, having to drink something so that you can shit for two days only to let someone shove a camera up your ass is wrong!  I watch enough crap on t.v.!

  Renting dvd's is a thing of the past.  I've got over 360 movies on my computer and none of them cost me a thing but a little time.  Oh I know, "...but that's illegal."  It's only illegal if you know your doing something wrong.  Otherwise, have at it.  Anyway, I sell them cheaper than Wal*Mart!  So Blockbuster can kiss my ass for the last time! 

  I have never nor will I ever eat pig's lips or tails or ears!  I don't give a shit how nice it would be to have that 2 gallon glass jar when you're through gagging and choking them down.  Mmm, just imagine a two gallon jar of pig's ears!  What a great gift giving idea that is.  I'd rather eat a sweaty arm pit.

  This one I have done quite a few times but not in recent years, and I will not do it again.  Generally, a person would go into church sober and leave sober.  As a rule that's the way it should be done.  However, when I was somewhat younger and going by myself (I had the hots for a girl there) I would sit in the balcony.  A half-pint of whiskey would last me from the opening hymn until the last amen.  Hallelujah!

  There's so many more things that I will never do.  I offer without explanation these few:  I will never drive back and forth over another live animal.  I will never spill hot gravy on a relative that I barely know because they bore me, and I will never, ever watch porn with a girl that decides two days later she can't bear the guilt and must confess to her parents!-Don.

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The Economy Sucks. I'm Broke. Let's Eat!

  Apparently, an economy that tends to tank a little more every day drives people to stuff their faces at fast food franchises.  That is one very large niche in our little world that isn't suffering a damn bit from a shitty economy.  Geez,  these crap pushers seem to be raking in as much or more than ever before.  What's up with that?

  If we are suffering so damn much economically, then how can so many people continue to eat out at these places.  They're not cheap!  I went to a fast food place about three weeks ago.  I ordered a chicken sandwich, "waffle" fries and medium fucking drink.  Total price: $8.67!  What's with that?  Did they charge me ahead of time for the ketchup and horseradish sauce I stole?  Assholes!

  Why are these franchises able to convince so damn many people that they need to eat their product?  Hell, have you noticed the drive-thru windows at them during the lunch hour?  It takes twenty minutes just to get that shit in the car with you.  Slow economy?  It's not happening at a fast food franchise...I don't care what people say about the cost of groceries after seeing the masses flocking to those shit palaces called fast food "restaurants."

  If our economic situation were based on the numbers coming from McDonald's or Pizza Hut for example, nobody would be out of work, and everyone would be able to afford health insurance.  Yeah, I want a piece of that pie.  If I would have invested in burgers and tacos before investing in silly shit like stocks and bonds, I'd be able to buy Bill Gates his next burrito supreme with extra sour cream and have change left over.

  Economically, it may be bad for people that have to cut out the cookies and chips off of their grocery list to save a few bucks.  But it sure as hell isn't bad for fast food "restaurants" and those people that patronize them almost on a daily basis.  Jesus Christ that's a lot of money you're dropping to get fat.  Just sit around the house and down a few Ho-Ho's followed by some chocolate milk if that's all you want.  You'll save a small fortune for sure.-Don.

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Something Wrong With Farting In A Pool?

  So what's not funny here?   It parodies one of my most hated commercials of all times.  Y'all know the one.  The lame Head On.  God, I hated that ad. Problem is though I think that it worked!  I believe I read where that marketing campaign was one of the more successful ones for that year which, I think, was '06.


  Why did so many people apparently find that funny?  I don't get it.  Now I've got a pretty good sense of humor and a very dry wit...I just don't f*cking get it!  They even had the balls to come back with a parody of one of their own stupid ads.  The dude that says, "Head On, Head On, Head On...blah, blah, blah."  What ever happened to the Tidy Bowl man?  The little gay looking dude that putted around in a toilet bowl all day looking like Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island.  Remember?  Mikey!  Little Mikey that hates everything--remember that one?  Great stuff, really.


  Wrigley's gum used to have those Doublemint gum ads.  The twin brothers or sisters would come prancing through the joint acting like they were having the best f*cking time of their lives because of a 25 cent pack of gum.  They were obnoxious, and while I didn't like them I couldn't get that stupid song outta my head for years.  Oscar-Mayer had the little kid fishing singing the bologna jingle that I bet most of you know now.  Hell, that's 30 years old!  To top it all off though, and this pisses me off because it's cooler than my fantasy Hummer, OscarM. also has the friggin' Weinermobile!  It's not like every kid has one of those you know?


  Hell I don't know.  I remember seeing one from the 70's.  A Japanese ad.  It showed some little smiling pie faced Jap in a pool farting.  The other little kids, seeing bubbles, scattered leaving the kid by himself.  Now that was funny.  Seems to me that while the world is going to hell in a handbasket I could find more profound things to ponder.  Bullshit I say!  If I want to ponder preposterous pontifications of possible but palatable madness so f*cking be it.  Well, all's well that ends well I suppose.  I do know this though...I have one helluva headache just from all of this pondering.  I'm out of here.  Gotta go find the Head On.  Later gang.-Don.

Note: This post originally published 9/8/08.

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Happy New Year from Humorbloggers!

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