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Posted on January 7, 2009 - Filed Under Uncategorized
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LifeLock the Best Identity Theft Protection
Posted on January 1, 2009 - Filed Under Uncategorized
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Suspicion and Secretiveness (2)
Posted on December 31, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Sideways Glance (Figure 28). Do you register it as suspicion and doubt when people give you the sideways glance? There is a common phrase, “She gave me a cold shoulder.” It confirms the gesture we associate with a distrusting attitude. Can you specifically recall instances when someone said something to you that you did not like, did not agree with, or in general were very doubtful of? Did you take a sideways position while saying something like, “What do you mean by that?” It is similar to a boxer or fencer getting ready to square off withhis opponent. Try to help an old lady who would rather cross the street by herself and you will discover exactly what the expression means — a forty-five-degree turn of the body away from you. It is a gesture of rejection even without a “No, thank you.”
Feet and/or Entire Body Pointing toward the Exit (see Figure 24). In many situations you will notice that
suddenly someone has shifted his body and is sitting so that his feet are pointing toward a door. This gesture is a clear sign that the person wishes to end the meeting, conversation, or whatever is going on.
His body-shifting is telling you he is anxious to leave. But it is one thing to be aware of this gesture and another to do something about it. Either do something different to get theindividual to turn toward you and lean forward or let him go. It does you no good in the long run to keep talking to someone who is telling you that he is anxious to leave.
It is indeed an observant subordinate who is able to read his boss’s gesture when it means that the meeting is at an end. If the employee is aware of this signal and lets his boss leave, he will have assisted his employer, which will be appreciated. However, if he delays his superior, the boss will resent it and thereafter close his mind to everything the employee says.
People visiting you socially make similar signals. Sometime during the last half-hour of their visit they start positioning their bodies as if to leave. A smart host or hostess notices this signal and may sincerely say, “It’s getting late. Time certainly passes quickly when we are together.” Even if you get verbal disagreement, you may notice that after you have spoken they move their bodies toward the edge of the
chair as a further endorsement that they reallydo want to leave.
Touching or Slightly Rubbing the Nose, Usually with Index Finger (Figure 29). Once a young man was discussing books with Professor Birdwhistell at the University of Louisville. When asked his opinion of one modern classic, the young man rubbed his nose and said he had enjoyed the book very much. “The truth is,” said the professor, “you didn’t like the book.” Trapped by the comment and yet not sure of how he had given himself away, he admitted that he had in fact read only a few pages and “found them all dull.” He had rubbed his nose in front of the wrong man.
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Suspicion and Secretiveness (1)
Posted on December 30, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
“There are many wise men, that have secret hearts, and transparent countenances.”
— Francis Bacon
Gestures that connote suspicion or secretiveness are sometimes referred to as “left-handed” gestures. This reflects the American slang meaning of “undesirable,” as in a “left-handed” ship, compliment, or honeymoon. Interestingly, in sign language the right thumb extended upward meansgood, but the left little finger meansevil . This additional mode of communication recognizes a right (good) and left (bad) connotation.
At a recent meeting, one of our colleagues was being extremely reticent about stating his position, which was different from ours. Every time we approached what seemed to be the sensitive area, his left hand came up to cover his mouth either prior to or while he spoke. Not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was, we asked questions that might cause him to let go and tell us what his feelings were. At last, when asked a “Do you really feel that way about it?” type of question, he replied by stating that his “heart was not in it” and used other such phrases. His gestures were based on his strong opposition to our objectives. He had attempted to hide his true feelings and go along with our ideas. Had wenot been aware of what he was truly communicating, a solution would have been reached that in the long run might have proven to be very unfavorable for all of us. There are many people who say things they believe you want them to say. Afterward they feel extremely frustrated with themselves because they have not exposed their true feelings and, as a result, often work against the goals rather than trying to achieve them.
If a person tendsnot to look at you at all, he is very likely to be concealing something. However, incongruity in gesture-clustersprobably is the best indication of a person being secretive. A smiling, belligerent, defensive person is incongruous and may be, with a superficial smile, attempting to soften the blow. “One may smile, and smile, and be a villain,” as Shakespeare says inHamlet . Similarly, even those without nonverbal training or conscious exposure to it sense when someone is playing a game of hide and
seek. What most have difficulty in doing is to isolate the gestures that have communicated this awareness and then to understand how to cope with the situation creatively.
All the gestures that communicate suspicion, uncertainty, rejection, and doubt essentially have a common message: negative! The emphasis differs, as do the accompanying emotions, but the signal is usually loud and clear; “I’m not buying.”
A certain portion of what we say to others is received with suspicion, uncertainty, rejection, and doubt.
When they feel this way about what we are saying, they nonverbally feed back their attitude. The most obvious gestures of the rejection-cluster are folded arms, moving the body away, crossed legs, and tilting the head forward, with the person either peering over his glasses or squinting as if trying tosee what is said more clearly. The more subtle gestures that sometimes escape our awareness include turning the body only slightly away so as to present a silhouette and the nose-touching or -rubbing gesture. These probably account for most of the negative feelings.
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Evaluation (4)
Posted on December 29, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Pipe-Smokers. Pipe-smokers are necessarily more involved with the ritual of smoking than are cigarette-smokers. After all, the pipe-smoker has many more functions to perform: He has to fill the pipe,
clean it, tap it, stoke it, and keep it lit. In the process he can use it as a scratcher, pointer, drumstick, etc., which permits the use of the pipe (to stall for thinking time) as a secret signal instrument. We have an associate whom we call “the Toscanini of the pipe-smokers.” He conducts negotiation signals with his pipe like the maestro conducted the NBC Symphony. Our associate, an inveterate pipe-smoker, has devised an intricate series of pipe signals. They communicate such instructions to his team asshut up, listen more closely, the offer stinks, andlet’s go . It is of great assistance in a team negotiation to have signals by which you can communicate nonverbally, with or without a pipe.
One can often observe the deliberate motions the pipe-smoker goes through when he is fighting or maneuvering for time to think or reconsider. We have observed that a considerable number of pipe-smokers are engineers or scientists or are in other technical fields where abstract thinking is vitally important. They take considerably more time in decision-makingthan the more factually oriented thinkers, who tend to smoke cigarettes.
In our video-tape recordings of business confrontations, a distinct personality type emerges both for the cigarette- and the pipe-smoker. The pipe-smoker tends to play “cat and mouse” or “hide and seek” as long as he possibly can without revealing his position. On the other hand, the cigarette-smoker’s attitude is generally “Let’s get this over with and go on to other things.” Pipe-smokers give the impression that they are more patient and conservative than cigarette-smokers, who generally look like sprinters ready for action. (The ratio of cigarette-smokers to pipe-smokers who have articipated in our research is 10-1, which is not unusual considering that an overwhelming number of businessmen tend to be of the concrete rather than abstract variety of thinker.)
Pacing. Americans seem to feel more comfortable thinking on their feet. They frequently resort to this mannerism when attempting to solve a hard problem or make a difficult decision. As gestures go, this is a very positive one. But one should not speak to the pacer. It might cause him to lose his trend of thought and interfere with what he is trying to decide. Most sales-oriented people understand how important it is to let a prospective client or customer alone while he is pacing and deciding whether to buy. They let him interrupt the silence if he wants to pose an objection or question. Many successful negotiations have resulted from one person biting his tongue and not uttering a word while the other goes through his
decision-making, rug-pacing ritual.
Pinching the Bridge of the Nose (Figure 27). This gesture, usually accompanied with closed eyes, communicates great thought and concern about the decision to be made. A person in self-conflict might lower his head and pinch the bridge of his nose to test whether he really is in such a predicament or it is only a bad dream. A businessman we know clearly signalshis quandary by this gesture. When he performs it, we merely keep quiet and wait for him to raise his objections to what is being discussed. We do not attempt to reason him out of this situation. Instead we recognize his feelings and wait for him to express his doubts.
An attorney who attended one of our seminars commented that a judge he knew usually signaled his feelings about a case by this gesture. If the judge believed the defendant was guilty, he seldom removed his glasses. However, if he believed the accused was innocent, he performed this gesture openly and sometimes kept his eyes closed several minutes, fighting with his assumptions and feelings about the guilt of the accused.
From these evaluation-clusters it is easy to progress to the next attitude — suspicion and secretiveness.
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Evaluation (3)
Posted on December 28, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Stroking Chin (thinking/evaluating) (Figure 24). This “Well, let me consider” gesture, which seems to be worldwide, is made when people go through a decision-making process. Probably every Western movie has had a scene in which a bewhiskered frontier doctor stroked his chin and said, “I don’t know, Marshal, if that’s the best way to handle them Daltons.” In the musicalFiddler on the Roof, whenever Tevye is thinking over something important, he invariably strokes his beard. Darwin refers to meditation gestures and reports that various people throughout the world “sometimes pull on their beards . . . hands, usually the thumb and index finger, in contact with some part of the face, commonly the upper lip.” Henry Siddons’sRhetorical Gestures states, “This gesture signifies the wise man making a judgment.”
On stage, particularly in Shakespearean theater, an actor can be seen performing this action congruent with words thatcommunicate careful study or analysis. Watching a chess match, one can frequently observe this gesture in the player required to make the next move. After a decision is made, the stroking stops — and not merely because he has to use his hand. Many businessmen use this gesture, though some attempt to conceal it by making only a very slight stroking motion.
A congruent facial expression with this gesture is a slight squinting of the eyes, as if trying to see an answer to the problem in the distance.
Gestures with Glasses. An evaluating gesture that causes a negative emotional reaction in others is the one of dropping eyeglasses onto the lower bridge of the nose and peering over them (Figure 25). The
recipient of the stare feels that he is being closely scrutinized and looked down upon. Many executives who wear “granny” glasses for reading purposes are especially likely to elicit this reaction inadvertently from subordinates. We urge that if this happens to be one of your traits, be aware of the negative aspects. Better yet, try not to do it for a while and see if you do not get a favorable reaction.
Next is what we call the procrastination, or pausing-for-thought gesture. A very common variety is very slowly and deliberately taking the glasses off and carefully cleaning the lenses, even though the glasses may not need it. Some performthis ritual as many as four or five times an hour. We have video-recorded the gesture many times in negotiation confrontations. In most instances the person wanted to delay or stall for time to think over his situation before either raising more opposition, asking for clarification, or posing a question.
A similar gesture to gain time is one in which the glasses are removed and the earpiece of the frame is put in the mouth (Figure 26). Since people cannot speak very well with objects in their mouth, they might do a better job of listening or avoid saying anything when they want to think about it first. Putting things in
the mouth also implies that the person is seeking nourishment, possibly in the form of more information.
Another member of the family of gestures in which glasses are used is taking them off, either quickly or with much emphasis, and throwing them on the table. A negotiator whom we know always signals his emotional outbreaks in this way. How many people use this gesture consciously as an expression of “Now you’re going too far” or “Just wait a damn minute” will probably never be known. However, most people, regardless of whether they are aware of their gesture, are communicating resistance to what is being said. Therefore, if you encounter this gesture in another person, change your approach. Do something to relieve the emotional tension. Get that person back to wearing his glasses so that both of you can “see” different alternatives.
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Evaluation (2)
Posted on December 27, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Sometimes a person assumes what we refer to as a “critical- valuation cluster” (Figure 23). He brings a
hand to his face, puts his chin in the palm, and extends his index finger along his cheek; the remaining fingers are positioned below the mouth. When these hand-to-cheek gestures are associated with the body drawn hack from the other individual, the thought patterns are critical, cynical, or in some other way negative toward the person attempting to persuade.
When conducting our seminars, one of the first gestures we look for to determine how difficult the group might be are these types of hand-to-cheek poses. If we have, say, fifty executives in attendance, during the first fifteen minutes — especially during a nonverbal-communication presentation — at least thirty will be sitting in some kind of hand-to-face position. Of this number, approximately one-half will be very interested in what is being said and will lean forward slightly. The other half will take more of a wait-and-see attitude and will sit back, a bit skeptical of what is being said. The remaining twenty will be divided roughly among those sitting with their arms crossed (show me) and those sitting on the edge of the chair, elbows on thighs and hands hanging loose (“This is great! Let me play, coach”). Our job is to change evaluation into interest.
Head Tilted. Charles Darwin noticed early in his studies that animals as well as men tend to cock their heads slightly whenever they hear something that interests them. From a very early age, women instinctively understand the significance of this gesture: It gives the impression of listening intently. They use it consciously when conversing with a male whom they want to impress — and they do.
In our seminars, if most of the participants’ heads are not tilted we feel that the group as a whole has not become interested in our material. Once the speaker is aware of this gesture, he can relate to his audience in a more positive manner and can gauge how well his information is getting across. This can be especially helpful when the speaker wants to cover a great deal of material in a very short time. When an electrical circuit is overloaded a breaker opens so that the circuit does not take more energy than it can handle. Individuals sometimes behave in the same manner toward information- overloading. They gesture their indifference to additional data. The clusters change. Heads become erect rather than tilted, backs straighten up, then slouch. There are glances at the ceiling, at watches, at others, and finally some will start positioning their bodies so that they are pointing toward the exit. If the group has reached this stage, the speaker should understand that they are nonverbally signaling “Enough.”
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Evaluation (1)
Posted on December 26, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
“When a student in a classroom becomes really absorbed in the problem at hand, he is likely to slip down on his shoulder blades, spread his feet, ruffle his hair and do any number of unconventional deeds. Let the spell be broken, and he sits up, rearranges his clothes and again becomes socially proper.”
— C. H. Woolbert, “The Audience”
Some of the most misinterpreted gestures are what we call evaluation gestures — those dealing with pensiveness or thoughtfulness. Since much of our effectiveness in business and social life depends on communications, knowledge and appraisal of feedback information are vital for the individual who wants to know how well his message has been received. Very little research has been conducted on the evaluation process before the acceptance of an idea, product, or service. However, we have accumulated a considerable amount of data on gestures from the behavioral patterns of salesmen, teachers, nurses, executives, lawyers, and many others, indicating that there are actions thatdo communicate that persons are evaluating. For clarification, let us look at a classroom situation.
Mrs. Clark, who teaches math, is explaining an essential aspect of the subject. She notices that Fred is staring at her with unblinking eyes, his body taut and erect, his feet flat on the floor. She discerns no motion whatever from Fred. Do you think that Fred is listening to the lecture, evaluating what Mrs. Clark is saying? If you think heis interested, you are wrong. A young teacher unaccustomed to this posture might fall for it, but a more experienced educator would not. Fred has turned his teacher off and is using a cover-up technique to convince her that he is “all ears.”
Ignoring Fred’s trance, Mrs. Clark turns to Charles. He issitting toward the edge of his chair, his body
leaning forward, and his head, slightly tilted, is supported by one hand. Mrs. Clark would be correct in judging that Charles is interested.
Hand-to-Cheek Gestures (Figure 22). Auguste Rodin, the great sculptor, showed deep insight into gestural language when he created “The Thinker.” Who would doubt that his sculpture is of a person thoroughly engrossed in working out a problem? Persons who strike poses similar to Rodin’s “Thinker,” with hand on cheek, are involved in some sort of meditation. Sometimes there is a slight blinking of the eyes. A youngster sitting on a staircase looking down at adults assumes this position, as do many, young and old, when sitting on a curb watching a parade.
This position of interest and attentiveness has been recognized by a friend who makes audio-visual presentations to his management team. When he stands in the back of the room he can estimate how well he is conducting a presentation by the number of executives who have one or both hands to their head and are leaning forward, as opposed to those sittingback in their chair with their legs crossed, arms folded, or bodies twisted away from the screen.
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Defensiveness (3)
Posted on December 25, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Crossing Legs. If you were to stroll by the many sidewalk cafés in any European country, you could probably pick out a male American tourist simply from the way his legs are crossed. The European male crosses leg over leg. The American male uses what Birdwhistell describes as “figure-four,” one leg horizontally crossed with the ankle resting on the other knee (Figure 20). Apparently this is strictly an American way of sitting, and even many American women, when wearing slacks, adopt it.
A recent seminar attendee remarked that his wife, who wasborn and educated in Europe, constantly belittled him for sitting in the “figure-four” position. She often asked, “Why don’t you sit like a gentleman?” To this he retorted, “I am!” It wasn’t until he attended the seminar that the significance of her complaint was made clear. She meant, “Why don’t you sit like a European gentleman?” (We conducted a seminar for a British firm in Manchester, England. Out of eighty-three executives only two sat in the “figure-four” position at any time during the program.)
Another seminar attendee, one who had served with German Intelligence during World War II, commented on the number of American agents who were caught as a result of eating with the fork in the right hand in spite of careful training in eating in the European style. We noted that twice as many could have been caught if German Intelligence had looked for the figure-four position. In our more than two thousand recorded confrontations where one or both opposers crossed their legs in this manner, in almost every instance it signaled that the confrontation had reached a highly competitive stage. A friend of ours in London, a fine chess player who was educated in the United States, has often remarked that he invariably takes a figure-four position when the match is in doubt. He agrees that it is a foolish position for a chess player to take, for every time it is his turn he must uncross his legs and move forward. However, he adds that when the match is no longer in doubt and he feels secure in winning, he places both feet on the floor.
We have observed in our recordings that quite frequently during the stage of the negotiation when issues are being presented and discussed or when a heated argument is taking place, one or both of the negotiators have their legs crossed — either in leg-over-leg or in the American figure-four style. We observed that the number of negotiations where settlements were reached increased greatly when both negotiators had uncrossed their legs and moved toward each other. In ourrecordings of such confrontations, we cannot recall one situation that resulted in a settlement where even one of the negotiators still had his legs crossed. Individuals who cross their legs seem to be the ones who give you the most competition and need the greatest amount of attention. In further verification, we discussed the crossed-leg, leaning-away position with numerous salesmen. None could recall being able to close a sale with the prospect in that position. If crossed legs are coupled with crossed arms, you really have an adversary.
When a woman crosses her legs and moves her foot in a slight kicking motion, she is probably bored with the situation — waiting for a plane to depart, a husband who is late, or listening to dull talk (Figure 21).
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
Defensiveness (2)
Posted on December 24, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Very frequently a postmortem on video-recorded negotiations that have failed reveals that a demand, request, or offer was made at a time or in such a manner as to cause the other person to become defensive. From this point on, concessions, agreements, or other forms of cooperation become more difficult. Failing to recognize early signs of disagreement,discomfort, or discontent will usually lead to a more complicated situation in which agreement on any issue will prove to be almost painful.
If you should be in a situation in which you wonder whether the individual is defensive or assuming a position of comfort (as some argue), notice the hands. Are they relaxed or fistlike (Figure 15)? Are the fingers wrapped around the bicep in astranglehold to the extent that the knuckles become white (Figure 16)? Such protective posture is like that of the infrequent and nervous air traveler who grips the armrests of his seat during takeoff, his hands tense.
Since women have an upper-torso structure that differs from men’s, they fold their arms considerably lower on the body (Figure 17). Girls entering puberty assume this protective position with a far greater
frequency than their older sisters.
Sitting with a Leg over Arm of Chair (“getting a leg up”) (Figure 18). At first we assumed that it was a comfortable position from which a person communicated by his openness a certain amount of cooperative spirit. However, we soon discoveredthat despite the seemingly relaxed position, the person — even if he sometimes has a slight smile on his face — is not cooperative. Instead he is generally
unconcerned about or hostile to the other person’s feelings or needs. We also uncovered a similar body position in Henry Siddons’s book,Rhetorical Gestures, in which Siddons describes as “indifferent” an English country gentleman of 1832 sitting in this very position. Airline stewardesses have reported that male travelers who take this position are often difficult to relate to. In many buyer/seller relationships, the buyer in his office will take this position to announce nonverbally his dominance or territorial rights in the encounter on his homeground, and many a boss will assume it to show superiority in his employee’s office.
Sitting with the Chair Back Serving as a Shield (Figure 19). This position and feet on top of desk closely parallel what we have just described. To a great extent they occur during superior/subordinate situations. We again caution that despite the seemingly informal and cooperative positions your opposer takes, all may not be as it seems. He is attempting to show dominance or aggression.
Taken From : How To Read A Person Like a Book
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