Me: (Dialing......Still Dialing.....waiting)
Computer lady: Hello. Welcome to Direct TV.
(Pause)
Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.
Me: (waiting)
Computer lady returns: If you are a Direct TV customer, please say yes.
Me: (waiting)
Computer lady: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say yes if you already have Direct TV.
Me: Whoops....Yes!
CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please press 1 if you already have Direct TV.
Me: (presses one sheepishly)
CL: If you are calling to get more information about the Digital Transition of TV transmissions, please say yes now.
Me: (waits)
CL: Our operators are experiencing high call volume at this time....
Me: (Presses 0)
CL: I'm sorry...that is an unrecognized command. Why don't you try to tell us what you want, and we'll direct your call.
Me: One million dollars and free satellite.
CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you want to add another satellite to your account?
Me: No. I actually want to change my programming.
CL: Can you be more specific? Why don't you try saying something like upgrade to premium package or order pay per view movies.
Me: Downgrade programming.
CL: I see. You'd like to change your base programming package. Please say the package you want.
Me: umm...I don't know what it's called (presses 0)
CL: That is not a valid option. Would you like to order the premier package?
Me: No, I don't want to order the premier package.
CL: You have selected the premier package as your base programming. Is this correct?
Me: No, that is not correct. I said I wanted to downgrade my programming package.
CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. In addition to upgrading to the premier package which includes every channel on Direct TV, would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?
Me: Damnit (presses 0)
CL: I'm sorry. That is an unrecognized command. If you'd like to start over, please say start over.
Me: Start over
Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.
Me: You've got to be kidding me. (presses 0)
CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?
Me: OPERATOR...OPERATOR, speak with OPERATOR!!
CL: I see you'd like to speak with a customer service associate. Your expected wait time is...(clicks and beeps)...35 minutes.
Me: You're kidding me.
CL: Did you know that most options to your account can be accessed online through Directtv.com?
Me: I just want to ask a question. I can't believe it's this difficult to ask a question that's not about a pay per view.
CL: I see you have a question regarding ordering a pay per view movie or event. Which event would you like to order?
Me: (seething) Quit trying to trick me. You are not special.
CL: You have ordered "Jerry Springer; Topless trick or treat special."
Me: I don't want Jerry Springer. If I wanted topless women, I'd just order porn. Why is this so hard?
CL: You have ordered "Hot topless women 8: We like it hard." Would you like to order another pay per view event?
Me: (hangs up)
Me: (Dialing....Dialing.)
Wife: Hello.
Me: Will you turn the TV to channel 583?
Wife: Why?
Me: Just do it.
Wife: Whoa..!! Jerry Springer is doing the Macarena with some topless hags.
Me: Stupid computer lady. I'm calling them back. Can you Tivo the rest of the show?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
An analog boat in a digital ocean
Monday, January 5, 2009
6 Degrees of Separation from 2009
I'm married with a gaggle of kids, don't drink, and have trouble staying up until 11pm. You can imagine how exciting my New Years Eve parties are...
In fact, the most excited I get about the new year, is either awaiting my tax return in late Feb, or continually putting 2008 on any form I fill out.
As a change for this year, I thought I'd celebrate 2009. I really wanted to get down to the nitty gritty about what 2009 was about.
Here's what I found...brace yourselves.
2009 is the International Year of Astronomy. (400th anniversary of Galileo looking into a telescope.)
2009 is the International Year of natural Fibres. (I originally thought this was a UK-spelled version of a celebration of foods like oat bran, lentils, and other foods that give you the "million-wipers" on the toilet. The UN actually just wants to raise awareness for natural fibres...like silk...completely awesome...if you're into that kind of thing.)
2009 is the International Year of Reconciliation. (No word on whether the Catholic church is sponsoring the celebration.)
We will inaugurate our 1st black President.
We will put a man in the senate who used to don a wig, and look into the mirror for his "Daily affirmation."
The longest Solar eclipse in the 21st century will take place in July. Oprah will attempt the feat the next month by using a jet pack and hope that her massive ass can completely block out the sun. Please wear special glasses.
The retail sale of incandescent light bulbs will be banned in Australia. Do they use "British-speak" down there?? If so, would they be termed light bulbes?
Other events that I predict to happen are:
Yankees move to a new stadium...only to not make the playoffs.
Cowboys move to a new stadium...only to not make the playoffs.
Ryan Secrist will come out of the closet.
Saturday Night Live will be terrible. (too late...already there)
There is a 30% chance that I get laid off from my job.
There is a 30% chance that I become a male prostitute.
As you can see, 2009 looks to be pretty lame. In order to make 2009 feel a little better about itself, I wanted to show it that it will be no worse than any other person/year. As proof, I give the "6 degrees of separation of 2009 from Kevin Bacon." 2009...you're good enough, smart enough, and doggone it..people like you.
That was fun...and insightful. Let's try it again with another random object.
How about Ricky (Rickey) Henderson.
If anyone can involve 2009, Jenna Jameson, and Yul Brynner in a chain to Kevin Bacon, I would be impressed.
Here's to you 2009...now where's my tax return??!!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
How sweet it is.....
Can the Utes get some AP voting love?? What else do they have to prove??
Yes...there were 8...count'em 8 sacks buddy. How's that for an undersized, small Ute defensive line?? Booyah!!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Things I did while on a blogging break
Watched "Polar Express" with my kids 14 times.
Ate my weight in Reese's peanut butter cups.
Caught up on some Tivo watching. (Chuck and Dexter are 2 truly fabulous shows)
Quit writing for Scrivel.com. (I am spread too thin as it is...and by thin, I don't mean my gut)
Wrote some kick-ass reviews on Review-Spew.com. (Is it possible to have blog envy of another one of my own blogs?)
Didn't read many blogs---although I started picking things back up and found an interesting bit on Nun Porn. (Sick freak would be an understatement to describe TNO)
Contemplated the purpose of arm-pit hair.
Played Guitar Hero "World Tour" until my eyeballs hurt, and carpal tunnel set in.
Wondered why I even play fantasy football as I never....EVER win.
Prepared myself mentally in case my Utes get blown out by Alabama.
Caught up on 25% of my work. (I could have all the time in the world, and never catch up.)
Came to the realization that I will never be rich working as an engineer, and that I was 5 years too late for stock options to ever make a difference.
Wondered how those that are irresponsible with saving money, careless with finances, and foolish when buying a home, should benefit while I continue to make every payment in my life on-time still work till May to pay Uncle Sam.
Drank my weight in Coca Cola.
Wrote down about 20 humorous blog ideas. Then I returned to my notes, only to find that I don't even have a clue what half of them mean. You'd think that I'd put some other notes with the topic in case my memory failed me. But no...I just have a single line with "Flatulence cameras." I may be schizo.
Stop by often as I'm back on a regular posting schedule.
