MUST BE SOUTH AFRICAN MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Vote carefully…

DRIP DRY??

DRIP DRY AND RUN??

I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT WHY....??

WHY DOES SHE HATE ME THAT MUCH??

SPOT THE DIFFERENCES??

JUST A FRIENDLY GESTURE!

At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun (a strong young man) from Kakamas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

A QUICK CHUCKLE!

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

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If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

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First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


***

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

Son asked his mother the following question:
Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine,
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

HOW TO MASSAGE YOUR WIFE TO MAKE HER SCREAM!

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."


The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" ...

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The Indian: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

NAUGHTY!!

Sometimes animals have a better sense of humor than humans.

F**KIN CUCKOO!!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards

the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a

friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT

build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone

me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him

the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is,

Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the

correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that

doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

BODY STATISTICS.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's peni$ is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM.

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I long for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I hope he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'
I trust that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best
friend.

MEN'S LOVE POEM.

I crave for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a
golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

Author: No idea, wasn't me!

Another Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.
I know…I know.. maybe no more techniques...

Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!

Between being married a long time, and also being a man, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination… Here follows one of them:

Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean, works like a bom....

FEW GOOD JOKES.

How do you know your country’s currency really sucks??
Prostitutes would prefer going steady….

Doctor after examining Bruce’s wife: Bruce, a really ugly thing we have here!
Bruce: Yes Doctor, I know, but she is really stinking rich!

Why don’t Cuban rowers ever compete in the Olympics ?
Coz those who can row are in America already.

What do you call a woman who 24/7 knows where her husband is??
A widow.

FLYING DUTCHMAN!!

JUK!! GUESS WHO THE JOKE IS ON....

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on

a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived

at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying

to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage

tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying

that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

GOOD ONE!

Dad: Son what are doing?
Son: Nothing Dad.
Dad: But you did that yesterday too!
Son: Yes Dad, but I never finished.

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night out ...

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night!!!

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh to yourself, knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night. You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You circle the car looking for dents and find none! Yay!

But then .... wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....


SCROLL DOWN!!!



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Rugby jokes.

Worst case of child molesting in South Africa: No, nooo, please daddy, please dont make me.....don’t make me wear the SPRINGBOK jersey!!

South African Springbok Rugby:
During yesterdays practice, the scrum machine broke through twice to score a try!!