red kool-aid

when i was five-years-old, i spilled red kool-aid on my mother's freshly cleaned white carpet.

i have no memory of ever seeing my mother get mad.

except this one time.

they say you can't truly remember things from your childhood. that memories are triggered by photographs or stories which are passed on to you by friends or family. the repetition of these becomes a "memory."

but this, i swear, is something i remember.

i can still hear the tone of her voice. i can still see the look on her face. and i still remember hightailing it to the next door neighbor's thinking this was my new home. i was sure that my kool-aid and i were banished forever.

my mother's anger scared me.

because it was so foreign to me. because i was at the center of it. because it seemed like my mom had transformed into a monster that was breathing fire.

i did not want to get burned.

and to this day, i have this fear of being burned.

not from this one incident. it's not like i went and talked in someone's chair about my kool-aid crisis.

rather, i did talk about my own difficulty with being the recipient of anger in general.

god forbid, i cut someone off in traffic. i can physically feel their rage like a sock in the stomach.

you can imagine how brilliant i am at conflict. when the emotions start to heat up, i start to shut down. or i look for the easiest way to run, like i did when i was five.

there must be healthier ways to deal with anger. 

if i sit and think real hard i can come up with three:

1.) do not let fear take over your body. take a deep breath and ride out the anger emotion. keep breathing and stay in the present. 

2.) listen to the words, not the emotion delivering them. find value in what is being said. 

3.) do not personalize the anger. let go of your need to be perfect and realize that you are going to let others down.

my mother rang the neighbor's doorbell. i jabbed my friend and told him to tell her i wasn't there.

it didn't work.

i had to face what i had done and take it like a little (wo)man.

homecoming queen

i'm intimidated when i'm in her presence.

she has energy that's as strong as a gale force wind.

it blows past you swooping you up along the way.

do you know her?

she's a gigantic magnet and people are drawn to her persona.

she's a little over the top like a mom who tries too hard at her daughter's girl scouts group.

she's always on. one of those light bulbs that have a life expectancy of over a million hours.

and she often appears too good to be true.

have you met her?

it's hard to say a bad word about her. but you sometimes want to.

you're amazed at her vivacity, her spiritedness, her spark.

funny though, you realize when you walk away from her that you're exhausted.

i was with her today.

i found myself correcting my posture to match hers. i laughed at the right time at her jokes and i cocked my head to one side asking the appropriate questions at the appropriate times.

i felt like i was back in high school with a coveted five minutes of the homecoming queen's time. me, a mere minion, in the presence of the most popular girl in school. that's how i felt.

i learned some things about myself today.

i learned:

*it's so important to remain firmly planted in who i am. if not, you will find yourself scattered about like the autumn leaves falling from trees.

*there are people out there who require you to put up a small shield to protect you from being swallowed up by them. and this is okay. it's okay to resist the pull when it is unhealthy for you. 

*i need to remember that i have value and i don't need to turn into a chameleon and copy someone else's.

and i learned that there is nothing wrong with her. just as there is nothing wrong with me.

christmas may be over, but the new year's just beginning

there's always a bit of blue.

these days after christmas.

the ornaments remain up but sadly have lost their sparkle.

the music still plays in many restaurants, like an old, stubborn man who won't succumb to death.

and the refrigerator is full of leftovers that begin to get stale and never get eaten.

the warm greetings from strangers are over.

that contagious, delicious anticipation has disappeared.

and the expectation has come and gone like the wild flowers of spring.

this is how i feel these days after christmas.

a bit deflated.

this then bleeds into the days of self-reflection. 

these days before new year's.

and the self-reflection is not always forthcoming.

sometimes it hides as if it's a small child playing a game.

i need to coax it out and start slowly.

but as a result of this reflection i am pulled out of my blue.

i start to recognize ways that i've grown over the year: life does not revolve around what size jeans you wear.

ways that i've changed: the more humbling events which occur in my life, the greater my depth for compassion.

ways that i've endured: sometimes the answers to our questions are not always straight-forward and patience and hard work is required.

and ways that i've improved: i have learned that communication with someone you trust is always better than relying only on yourself.

i look around at my family and recognize that i am not alone: another year approaches to evolve and laugh and love together during the process.

christmas my be over, but the new year's just beginning...

 

do you hear what i hear?

it was a few nights ago.

we were flipping through itunes when we came across our holiday genre.

and so it started.

most people hate christmas music.

i love it.

it puts me in that place.

i looked around the room.

my littlest was cramming every single ornament we own onto our little charlie brown tree.

our charlie brown tree-it's pitiful.

and it's perfect.

beyond the christmas music i hear her talking to each ornament as she finds it a new home.

my older is sitting, her head bowed in concentration.

when i look closer she is replacing batteries in an old, but favorite ornament. i see her smile as she presses the play button.

"this is baba, sarah. wishing you a very merry christmas. and asking you to remember of all the gifts you ever give or receive, the greatest of these is love."

a tangible piece of my own grandmother.

it always gets me.

i hear memories.

i hear anticipation.

i hear love.

i hear joy.

i hear peace.

do you hear what i hear?

you are not alone

they were having problems, she wrote me.

and i was not surprised.

it brought back that pain of yesterday. the anguish of feeling your family fall apart. no, of feeling your dream for a family fall apart.

i remember drinking a glass of wine. and then another. and i sat at that table for two. only it was just me. alone. a table of one.

i had a journal open in front of me, pen in hand. it was my grieving place. it was my best friend and it was the best listener i could ask for. it asked no questions. it only sat and received.

it held no judgment. 

i was afraid to tell anyone what i was going through. i didn't want their awkward sympathy. besides, i could not tell them the whole story.

there was too much pain. and shame.

i want her to know, this friend who wrote me, that she is not alone. i want her to know that i, too, had reached that point of indifference. wanting only a release from the unhealthiness. the dysfunction.

but her fate is yet to be decided. i'm not even sure what to hope for. this presumes i have the right to hope. for it is her life.

i only want for her to be in a safe, loving place. it is not for me to define what that is.

but today, i write for her.

i clumsily reach out through words. trying to say, i know. truly, i know.

hang on, i want to tell her. hang on through the pain and know that you are not alone.

whispering walls

the walls whisper when they are gone.

why is the house so empty, they ask? why is it so eerily quiet?

even the dog notices and lethargically lies outside their bedroom door. 

her eyes seem to ask, what have you done with them? i miss the little hands that scratch between my eyes on the top of my forehead.

their bedroom feels cooler. missing the heat of their bodies as they move, as they breathe.

but, ahh, the clock ticks and time is now on our side. the hours are passing and soon they will be home.

soon, laughter will return. life will be busy and loud and funny and complete.

i promise not to take one minute together for granted. i promise to let go of distraction and look them in the eyes when they are talking to me. i promise to hear them, really listen to what they have to say.

because the walls do not like it when they are gone. neither does the dog. or I.

the little shoe

the little shoe grows bigger than mine.

her hair grows longer too.

when did yesterday fade into such a murky gray?

red cheeks flamed when she was spoken to.

blush stains them now.

who let go of the hand of time?

dance, she would, to the tune in her head.

today she sways gently with the door closed.

where is the key to her room?

open were my arms when they handed her to me.

open they are now whenever she allows.

who is this little, big girl?

chaos in my soul

sometimes if you were to look inside my soul you would become lost in a sea of question marks.

questions without answers.

problems without solutions.

cancers without cures.

deep inside me is a little girl who is swimming with her eyes closed.

and she is surrounded by chaos.

sometimes the chaos scares me like when you stay at home for the very first time without your parents or a babysitter.

you are all alone. 

you and your consciousness. you and your soul.

the chaos of the questions is like a record player stuck on a scratch playing one sound over and over.

chaos in my soul.

"you need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."  -friedrich wilhelm nietzshe

if this is true, the stars will be shining tonight.

who's there to thank?

"the worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank." 

- dante gabriel rossetti

he turns left. he turns right.

there is nobody there.

he has these words that want to spill out. that need to spill out.

but who will listen?

he feels alone.

she turns left. and there is god.

she turns right. and there is god.

she has these words that want to spill out. that need to spill out.

and god listens.

thank you. thank you.

thank you, god.

and she is complete.

Falling Sideways

"life is falling sideways."  - jean cocteau

sometimes when you fall you never quite hit the bottom.

sometimes you just fall sideways.

there is nothing wrong with sideways. it offers you a new perspective. 

you are no longer standing tall. you are no longer in command or in control.

but neither are you defeated. nor are you down on your knees reeling from the blow.

you are sideways where you can catch your breath and carry on righting yourself.

there is nothing wrong with sideways. it is a new plane on which to travel.

and you may journey at your own speed.

sideways is usually temporary and you are there for good reason.

sideways, you can learn, stretch and grow.

sideways, you are pliable, open and malleable.

sideways, you are humble.

sometimes when you fall you never quite hit the bottom.

sometimes you just fall sideways.

I'm it!

tag. tag. i'm it!  and she (candy, of insidecandy.co.za fame... only one of my favorite writers in the whole wide world...) caught me. 

so...

word for the week in my head:  discombobulated. cuz i just like saying it. and cuz it's just so damn fitting. and a last minute add, lollygag. cuz who doesn't love this word?

thought for the week in my head:  "the great man is he who does not lose his child's heart." mencius. cuz who wouldn't want to be a child for the rest of the days of their life?

thing for the week in my life: a thesaurus. cuz words beget words beget more words beget even more words...

song for the week in my head: "a little less conversation...a little more action" (by elvis, of course) cuz it always makes me smile... how could it not?

food for the week in my belly: baby swiss cheese, cashews and coca cola. cuz they satisfy and cuz they sound ever so eloquent, minus the whole coca cola part.

color for the week in my life: aubergine. cuz i just read that word in a book and it sounds so cool. what's your favorite color? aubergine. very cool.

smile for the week on my face: stems from the scott adams quote, "smile, it confuses people" cuz you never want to be easily figured out.

blessing for the week in my heart: 

"tomorrow is a new day

you shall begin it serenely

and with too high a spirit

to be encumbered by

your old nonsense."

ralph waldo emerson

I Shut My Eyes

"I shut my eyes in order to see." 

-Paul Gauguin

I sit at my desk. I place my elbows on the table. I raise my hands and cover my eyes.

Why I do this before I am going to write I don't know. I've never stopped to analyze it.

I think it has something to do with watching the words go floating by in the darkness. I see them dance and I reach out and touch them through my keyboard.

They form one after another telling a story of their own and through the experience I learn something about myself.

Usually, I have no idea where the words are going. It's like following a maze. Sometimes I dead end. But other times I get to the other side and there is much to be discovered.

I close my eyes and I see black. It only takes a moment until the words start flickering.

And once I start typing I see beauty.

tell me, have you ever noticed...

have you ever noticed how a song can change your mood instantaneously?

have you ever noticed how when you need to go the bathroom the most the restroom is at the opposite end of the store?

have you ever noticed how the more you try and change a bad habit the more irresistible it becomes?

have you ever noticed how people have the dangdest memory when it comes to an embarrassing incident you're dying to forget?

have you ever noticed how antagonistic complete strangers can become when vying for a parking place?

have you ever noticed how the morning comes that allows you to sleep in and you're unable?

have you ever noticed how your trainer makes that damn bouncy ball look so easy?

have you ever noticed how utterly engrossing the first page of a well-written book can be?

have you ever noticed how flustered people get when you wave without knowing them?

have you ever noticed...

Be Kind Today

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”  His Holiness the Dalai Lama

They often say that God is best found in a church or a temple.

I disagree.

There is no monopoly in the temples.

God has presence that reaches beyond the walls.

They often say that their's is the only way.

I disagree.

Philosophy is subjective.

God understands all languages.

They often put their religion before kindness.

I disagree.

God is kindness.

And kindness is the universal tie that binds us all together. 

Be kind today.

Seriously, It's True

7 things you really oughtta know about me:

1.) When I was 19 I faked a press pass in order to crash a Dallas Cowboys banquet and meet Troy Aikman. It worked.

2.) When I was 3 I killed my brother’s goldfish, Ronnie, with a pencil. I was unrepentant.

3.) When I was 16 I failed my drivers test when I turned up the radio and put my arm around the back of the inspector’s chair to parallel park. It sucked.

4.) When I was 36 I was attacked by a vacuum that sucked my hair up to the very roots. It wasn’t pretty.

5.) When I was 29 I seriously questioned my parenting skills when my 15 month old stuck nine peas up her nose while eating. I retrieved them.

6.) When I was 11 I rebelled against authority by walking to McDonalds during my lunch break and was caught by the gym teacher. I was mortified.

7.) When I was 5 I adopted a very thick southern accent when I was told I was born in Texas but only lived there for a year. I was convincing. Not.

Next. Next. Next...

I was restless during yoga today.

Eyes wandering across the room like a high-schooler watching the clock during last period. I tried to be furtive. But I spied the time and that was my first mistake.

Then I started making a list of things to do in my head. My second mistake.

And finally, the worst one of all, I started rushing my body through the stretches. Not only is this stupid, I know better. It's an easy way to get injured.

I escaped unscathed, but lacking my usual calm. A bit like a driver's ed teacher who exits the car and breathes a sigh of relief.

I jumped right into the shower, barely dry and onto the computer, phone in one free hand.

This was my relaxing morning. 

Trying to push things faster forward. Just like using the remote during a bad movie.

Maybe it was because I'd come from the gym where I'd been racing along on the elliptical. But this excuse was lame. I often end my workout with yoga. Trying desperately to repair the compression of my spine.

But in the moment I stood still I realized this was a real metaphor for my life right now.

How often I am thinking of the next activity. How many times I open up my blackberry calendar to see what's coming next. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month.

Next. Next. Next.

There's stuff happening in my life right now that I'd rather not have to face. 

So off to the future I go.

I think about when the questions will be answered. I think about a better me in a few months. I imagine the progress made.

And today disappears like a sunset you blinked at and it was gone.

What a waste.

I look at the clock once again. I have plenty of time to sit at my computer. I've already looked at my calendar and know what comes next.

I do not obsess about either. I just sit here and be.

What happens beyond today can wait. It will start with a new morning. A new alarm clock. A new quick peek to see what the demands of the day are. And then I can take it minute by minute. Hour by hour.

This way, today's not going anywhere.

Later this morning, I went back to my yoga. 

I focused on my breathing. I spent an inordinate amount of time on the floor opening up my back.

I closed my eyes. No interruptions in body or mind.

And I was going nowhere but staying in that moment.

Goodbye next, next, next...

Sometimes...

“Dance, dance wherever you may be, for I am the Lord of the dance, said he…”

Sometimes I don’t feel like dancing.

I feel like standing against the wall and watching everyone else dance.

“If you want to sing out, sing out, if you wanna be free, be free…”

Sometimes I feel like my singing is off key.

I’d rather sit and listen to the band.

“Play it now, play it now, play it now, my baby…”

Sometimes I don’t feel like playing.

When they ring the doorbell I pretend I’m not home.

"A little less conversation, a little more action"

Sometimes I don't feel like talking.

I want to hide under the covers and check out from the world.

"I fell into a burning ring of fire"

Sometimes it feels so hot, my discomfort.

I try to escape from the intolerable sensation.

But then...

"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

Often I listen to that voice inside me.

Which tells me to accept who and where I am.

And I am happy.

Cheese Sandwich

Since the words 

aren't flowing 

I'm going to make

a cheese sandwich.

Can You Taste it?

I ate the last of my sandwich in one mouth-filling bite.

I was in such a hurry I didn't even taste the bread.

In fact, I don't even think I could tell you what kind of sandwich it was. I'd have to sit and think about it a minute like when you can't decide what to order on a busy menu.

That's how much I was eating out of routine.

This wasn't the first time.

I sat in front of the television watching a compelling movie. I was as preoccupied as a teenage boy with his first girlie magazine.

I had a pint of ice cream in my greedy little hands. My eyelids were raised high. My eyes were wide open. I was hypnotized by what was happening on the screen. 

Spoonful followed spoonful. I could tell something cold was in my mouth. Instinctively I knew it agreed with my taste buds because they kept demanding more.

It was a reflex. An eating reflex.

I was shocked when my spoon hit the cardboard bottom. I swirled it around for the last bite. But it was gone.

I had just consumed a pint of ice cream.

Yikes.

So often we eat in a mindless state.

We eat the portions served in front of us. No matter what the size. We even eat food we don't like. Because we paid for it. Because it's there.

There's no better eating experience than when you eat mindfully. You eat slowly. You revel  in the flavors in your mouth.

It's sensuous eating. Provocative. 

Sumptuous. Luscious.

Fine and dramatic words for a cheese sandwich.

But if you take the smallest bite of sandwich and chew slowly you may be surprised at how you taste the subtle flavor of the cheese. You notice the texture. You savor your sandwich.

This is mindful eating.

Edison: Success or Failure?

He was a poor student.

His teachers called him "addled."

They accused him of being unable to think clearly. They described him as confused.

Instead of writing him off as a failure, his mother pulled him from school and taught him herself.

As a little boy, he was interested in mechanical things and chemical experiments. This led to the invention of the telegraph, the phonograph, the light bulb, the kinetoscope and the motion picture camera.

His mother never gave up on him.

And though not all of Thomas Edison's inventions were a success his attitude was that of:

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,0000 ways that won't work."

What a perspective on failure.

I think I'm allergic to failure. I almost break out when I'm less than a success.

Perfectionist, anyone?

But I've discovered three ways to combat this negative thinking:

*I tell my children that the results of their efforts are not as important as whether they are doing their best. I think I ought to listen to this one.

*I tell my children that if you experience failure it's not a sign to give up. It's a sign to keep trying. Hmm...

*And I tell my children if failure is inevitable look at it as a learning experience. For how are we to learn if we only come into contact with success? So true.

Though no one wants to be labelled a failure, Edison's taught us that there are other ways to view this.

As Mickey Rooney put it:

 "You always pass failure on your way to success."