Towards the end of my CBT sessions we went back to the subject of my parents as it was still a problem for me and wasn't something we had really worked on. Things had got really bad with my parents and I felt unable to talk to them because it was just too upsetting and fortunately they had left me alone for a few months but without contact with their grandchildren I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to face them again and with Christmas coming I knew it wouldn't be long before this would happen.

Whilst CBT had provided me with an excellent set of tools to work with I wasn't sure how I could use them to resolve the situation with my parents. The situation was made more difficult because it wasn't just my own emotions involved but also the emotions of my partner. The suggestion from my therapist was simple and just involved compassion and understanding. Just as I have suffered and made mistakes maybe it is the same for them. They have always claimed that they have tried to do their best for me (something I find hard to accept) and maybe this really is true. It could be that the experiences they had whilst growing up shaped their beliefs and they really do think they have done everything they can after all it wasn't that long ago when I had given up all hope and considered taking my own life. I really did belief it was hopeless although actually this was far from the truth.

I have come to realise that I know very little about my parents but I am aware that they had difficult childhoods. But a difficult childhood just sounds like an excuse and if they really wanted they could have made real effort in overcoming the difficulties. It was interesting when one of the people on the mindfulness course I am attending started talking about "good enough parenting" with the idea that she could never be the perfect parent but being "good enough" was OK. I could see her point and realised that perhaps I have a perfectionist attitude towards parenting which is unachieveable and unfair. 

There is one person I find harder to forgive than my parents and it probably won't surprise you to learn that the person is myself. Through the mindfulness course I learnt to be more compassionate, understanding and forgiving of myself with surprising results. Life has become more fun and being kinder to myself has helped me be more open to people and ideas. Even with my knowledge and understanding I felt I couldn't forgive my parents and even as I write this post I find forgiveness difficult to accept but there has been a considerable shift in my view and I am very interested to see how it develops. 

The words "If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?" have always sounded a bit too fluffy for my liking but I can now see the truth in this saying. If you are having trouble forgiving others I recommend you learn first to forgive yourself and then given time I believe the rest will follow.

When my depression and anxiety increased a few years ago I noticed that at times I had problems recalling things. Peoples names, birthdays, things I done a week ago or even a day ago all became difficult to remember and I put this down to my medication and my state of mental health. Now that I am feeling much better I have begun to realise that the medication had effected my memory but not the biggest effect was indeed my mental state but not in the way that I had imagined.

For as long as I can remember I had thought that I had a very good memory. Although at times I did remember things incorrectly I found that the majority of times my memory was quite accurate and I was able to use this in my work and personal life to great success. But as my depression worsened I found my memory also got worse and I begun to become aware of how often I recalled things incorrectly. Eventually I found my mind going blank all the time and the harder I dug for the memory the less I could recall. This led to me becoming quieter and more withdrawn and gradually eroded my confidence in a lot of situations.

I tried various things to improve my memory ranging from memory games, try to learn memory techniques and even taking tablets but I was never sure that any of them made any improvement. As my depression and anxiety have improved I have come to realise that my memory was never a problem. I believe that I remember the same now as I ever did before but the difference is in my confidence in my memory. Am I talking about the same thing as a witness of an incident who is sure of what they saw compared to a witness who has some doubts in their mind? I am not sure, all I can say it that it seems more subtle than that.

What if my memory capacity at first actually remained constant and when my apparent memory loss was due to an increase in questioning and doubts? If I remembered something incorrectly then the effect when I was healthier might have been minimal and I might not have given it a second thought but with a reduction in confidence the effect becomes exaggerated and can spiral out of control. In my mind each memory became more imperfect and each failure reinforced the loss of confidence to the extent that eventually even the smallest inaccuracy meant that my memory had failed. By this time I think my actual capacity for memory decreased because of the lack of practice. It seemed pointless trying to remember anything because I couldn't trust the memory anymore.

As my depression and anxiety improved I began to gain in confidence and I know the truth is that my memory was never fantastic anyway it's just that incorrectly remembering something was never a big deal because I always felt that on the whole I could trust my memory. This would explain why memory games, techniques and tablets never worked for me because even if they had worked I would not have accepted any improvement because remembering 9 things out of 10 is the same as remembering 3 out of 10 - it just means failure.

I do not know if there is any truth in my thinking and I can imagine that people with a different experience might find it hard to understand but actually that's the real point! It doesn't matter whether this is true or not. What matters is this way of thinking for now is helping me get better and tomorrow if it no longer helps me I am happy to change it for something that does.

To my blog this post is for you...

It is 4am and even at this strange hour you have time for me
I can tell you my deepest, strangest, most personal thoughts
thoughts that I might not even be able to share with those closest to me
Through the good and the bad I know you will be there and yet
you do not judge me and you do not try to fix my problems

Your RSS feed and web pages help others with similar experiences find me
and they can reach out to me through your comment system
your stumbleupon button helps others find me and lets them show their appreciation
you moderation feature protects me from those people whose comments might do me harm
and your anti-spam measures protect us from those you seek to take advantage of us

You let me change my mind without questioning my reasons
Although excellent at sharing my thoughts you also know how to keep a secret
and with a click of the mouse button I can ask you to forget
and I know that this secret will never be mentioned again

Not once have you interrupted me
and I can even write my thoughts in the format of a poem
without you telling me that it doesn't rhyme or make sense

You have never questioned my thoughts or opinions
and I can have as many friends as I want both male and female without feeling guilt
and you show no jealousy when I share my secrets in my other blogs

Thank you blog for being there.

New mental health laws gives clinicians the power to recall a patient in the community back to hospital and that the patient must also make themselves available for examination which essentially means compulsory mental health treatment for patients in the community whether they want it or not. Some might argue that this is about ensuring the safety of the patients and the community but having read the act and the supporting documents but I am concerned that some of the changes are actually more about releasing hospital patients to free up resources and get better statistics rather than providing better quality mental health care.

The majority of the Mental Health Act 2007 comes into force on November 3rd 2008. You can read the key documents on the Department of Health web site, more information can be found on the BBC News web site "Tougher mental health rules begin" and then you can make up your own mind.

I was practising mindful walking for 10 minutes the other day and at the end of it I wrote some notes of my experience. My mindful walking practice was just to do 10 minutes of lap of the living room with an awareness of the feelings and sensations of walking. I would vary the speed during the walk to experience the different sensations and it was interesting just how quick the 10 minutes would go and the things I would recognize and the thoughts that came into my head. 

Typically the thoughts that came to mind were about the mindfulness course and about what we had gone through in previous sessions and what we might discuss about this practice in the next session. I could also feel the different textures beneath my bare feet as I moved between the rug and the carpet and noticed the difference in temperature where the bright sun shone in through the front room window in the mornings and the lower temperature in the shade by the patio doors. Balancing required thought which is odd because normally I walk without any attention to balance - it just happens.

For me one of the more interesting aspects of my practice was that each time I would get part way through the walk and look at the clock. If the clock showed I had done like 8 minutes of the 10 minutes practice I would feel an urge to stop. After all 2 minutes less of practice surely wouldn't make that much difference and who else would know I was skipping time? However, just recognizing the urge made me consider the options available to me and each time this urge occurred I chose to continue for the full 10 minutes when it would have been ever so easy to have just accepted the urge and stopped.

The mindful walking has been quite tricky for me and it's taken time to recognize the benefits but I am rather pleased how it has taught me to see the options available and choose the one that makes me happiest when before I might have just gone for the easiest one.